the end is near
My car’s odometer reached 60666 this morning on the way to work. I took a picture. Do you think it’s an omen of some sort? I mean, what are the chances that it reaches a 666 number on 6/6/6?
Hm.
At least The Evil MiL has come and gone. Oddly enough she was reasonably well behaved this visit. Maybe it’s because had she pulled her usual shit, she would have only been alienating herself. The small crowd of people I put together definitely worked to my advantage.
Funny thing about the Evil One though. As important as seeing Frenchie for his birthday was last year? She was in no hurry to arrive and actually left early so that she could spend some time at the casino. WTF?
Not that I’m complaining (the shorter the visit, the better) but what kind of mother does that?
Anyway, aside from that, my headache meant exactly what I feared it meant. It was a harbinger of doom ~ a signal of unavoidable hormonal changes. For that, I am sad. There are some days that I wish I didn’t know my body the way that I do. Some days it would nice to be ignorant for just a little while longer.
With my headache went all my hopes to get pregnant naturally. That was my last chance before I dive into IUI and whatever else comes my way. I haven’t grieved yet this month and strangely, I don’t feel like I need to. I feel a sense of resignation that I’ve never felt before.
It could be that grief is waiting just around the corner for me. I feel sad, yes. But I am not feeling the absolute devastation that I usually feel. I guess, maybe I knew it was over a while ago and I just didn’t know that I knew it?
Hm.
At least The Evil MiL has come and gone. Oddly enough she was reasonably well behaved this visit. Maybe it’s because had she pulled her usual shit, she would have only been alienating herself. The small crowd of people I put together definitely worked to my advantage.
Funny thing about the Evil One though. As important as seeing Frenchie for his birthday was last year? She was in no hurry to arrive and actually left early so that she could spend some time at the casino. WTF?
Not that I’m complaining (the shorter the visit, the better) but what kind of mother does that?
Anyway, aside from that, my headache meant exactly what I feared it meant. It was a harbinger of doom ~ a signal of unavoidable hormonal changes. For that, I am sad. There are some days that I wish I didn’t know my body the way that I do. Some days it would nice to be ignorant for just a little while longer.
With my headache went all my hopes to get pregnant naturally. That was my last chance before I dive into IUI and whatever else comes my way. I haven’t grieved yet this month and strangely, I don’t feel like I need to. I feel a sense of resignation that I’ve never felt before.
It could be that grief is waiting just around the corner for me. I feel sad, yes. But I am not feeling the absolute devastation that I usually feel. I guess, maybe I knew it was over a while ago and I just didn’t know that I knew it?
sky girl rambled @ 6/06/2006
15 Comments:
{{{{{{{{{{{Fly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
It is what it is. Surprisingly, 'fair,' 'right,' and 'should' never seems to enter into the equation....dammit.
I guess sometimes our paths are blocked and the only thing we can do is look for alternatives to get where we need to be. Just a change in course Sweetfly, just a change in course.
Loveyou
Glad the MiL trip went as painless as it seemed to go. Just know babe that I am thinking about you and praying. **muwah**
TG
Today is *upsidedown day*! Didn't you know? So your ominous 6s become 9s - not so bad, this reprieve, huh?
{{{{{F}}}}} :)
adios mil.
maybe if you had frenchie's birthday at the casino next year she wouldn't even notice if you left early.
i hope your head is better babe. i'd rub your temples if i could.
Glad the MiL thing wasn't as bad as expected.
Hugs to you Fly!
(((flydoll))) Just huggin & lovin you honey.
Maybe the lack of grief so far is because you are holding out a bit of hope that a more aggressive treatment plan may have better success. But then again what do I know! I figured what you had meant by your headache post, and I had hoped for your sake it was just the mother in law, but when you know your body, you know your body. Here is to moving forward, have a drink and toast to it.
On one hand, your resignation really hurts me. I hate it.
On the other hand, it maybe that when you give up, then it will finally happen for you. I dunno. Just a thought...That's what seems to happen with me (except with more minor issues than having a child).
BTW, that is really freaky about your odometer. Whoa. :O
I am writing from the future to let you know we made it through the 666. It passed without a hitch and I'm waiting for you all to catch up to 766 ;)
The resignation ... sometimes we don't even know we feel something till we actually feel it huh?
Huggs
i am so sorry about the pregnancy thing. i don't even know what to say. my doctor told me that i couldn't have kids at all, so for the first 8 years of my marriage my husband and i didn't even worry about birth control. we just decided that we weren't going to have kids. and then one day out of the blue i was sick and dizzy and then i was the next day and the next and my husband said as a joke, "hey maybe you're pregnant" and we laughed, but i bought a pregnancy test and omg! i was pregnant. so...not trying to give advice or anything just telling you my little story. i read your posts a lot but have no idea what to say so i just don't comment. sorry. and i really AM sorry about what you're going through. i hope you have that sweet baby one day fly. i really do...
I like to that that all those 6s are positive. All that Satan, Devil BS is for the birds. So, I am saying it was a positive omen.
I wish I knew something to say to take away some of your pain with regards to all you have been through in the last year or so...instead I'll send you one of those long distance hugs. You know the ones. XOXO
Sometimes I think ignorance really must be bliss- to know our own bodies so well can be such a curse. I'm sorry that this month is an end to those dreams; but as a new door opens I hope you find hope renewed....
Yeah, I know what you mean. I think I knew it before I knew it, too.
i really like how musey put it. just a change in course...
(((fly)))
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