{most} Men just don't get it.
And I mean that in the kindest way. I’d like to exclude present company from that statement and I can do that because the ones that don’t get it stopped reading and commenting on my blog ages ago. The ones that have stayed have come to mean the world to me.
I think there are a few reasons that infertility makes so many men uncomfortable and these are my theories only so don’t get mad at me if you don’t agree.
First, I think that talk of infertility in general embarrasses a lot of men. Maybe because they wonder if their own fertility may ever be called into question. Interesting thought that, but I can wonder at it with some certainty because I have had more than one man feel the need to tell me how “super” their sperm is.
I think that the biggest reason IF talk makes men uncomfortable is because they just don’t know what to do with it. Men are “fixers”. If we are hurt they want to fix the reason. If something is broken, they want to fix it.
But it just so happens that men can’t fix what is wrong. It’s a mindfuck ~ to me, as well as my man. The best of intentions won’t fix what’s wrong with me. It’s out of my control and his too.
Frenchie doesn’t understand what I need from him but I think it’s pretty simple. I need him to take this stuff as seriously as I do. And I know this may sound weird but I need it to bother him. I need for him to be as upset as I am when my hopes are dashed over and over again. I need for him to ache like I do, even if it’s only briefly. I need for him to be affected by the constant failure and to feel as panicked as I do about the future.
It sounds terrible. It sounds like I want for him to hurt. And it’s not that, exactly. I just need for him to care as much as me. When I get my period, it brings my world to jarring halt. But not for him. His reaction is usually something along the lines of “well, that’s a bummer.” or “oh… (appropriate pause)…. so what’s for dinner?”
Disappointment, for him, lasts for an instant. For me, if it ever lessens, I’m lucky. What I need is for him to put himself in my shoes. To close his eyes for a minute and imagine how I must be feeling. Or to make that mental leap. Am I having a bad day? Am I particularly weepy or bitchy? Well, wouldn’t it be nice if he could stop and wonder why I might possibly be feeling down?
I don’t mean to talk shit about Frenchie. I’m lucky in him and I know it but ... I still need more from him. I don’t need suggested “solutions”. I don’t need his theories. I just want him to hold my hand, and understand me and hurt with me and for him to get to be as proactive as I’ve been rather than sitting on the sidelines of this battle that I feel I’m waging all on my own.
Infertility is the loneliest place I’ve ever been. But I do want to thank you all for sticking by me. You’ve made a huge difference in my life. I don’t know where I’d be if not for the collective support of my blogger friends. This didn’t start out as a fertility blog but it has kind of turned into one. Thank you for always being there for me.
I think there are a few reasons that infertility makes so many men uncomfortable and these are my theories only so don’t get mad at me if you don’t agree.
First, I think that talk of infertility in general embarrasses a lot of men. Maybe because they wonder if their own fertility may ever be called into question. Interesting thought that, but I can wonder at it with some certainty because I have had more than one man feel the need to tell me how “super” their sperm is.
I think that the biggest reason IF talk makes men uncomfortable is because they just don’t know what to do with it. Men are “fixers”. If we are hurt they want to fix the reason. If something is broken, they want to fix it.
But it just so happens that men can’t fix what is wrong. It’s a mindfuck ~ to me, as well as my man. The best of intentions won’t fix what’s wrong with me. It’s out of my control and his too.
Frenchie doesn’t understand what I need from him but I think it’s pretty simple. I need him to take this stuff as seriously as I do. And I know this may sound weird but I need it to bother him. I need for him to be as upset as I am when my hopes are dashed over and over again. I need for him to ache like I do, even if it’s only briefly. I need for him to be affected by the constant failure and to feel as panicked as I do about the future.
It sounds terrible. It sounds like I want for him to hurt. And it’s not that, exactly. I just need for him to care as much as me. When I get my period, it brings my world to jarring halt. But not for him. His reaction is usually something along the lines of “well, that’s a bummer.” or “oh… (appropriate pause)…. so what’s for dinner?”
Disappointment, for him, lasts for an instant. For me, if it ever lessens, I’m lucky. What I need is for him to put himself in my shoes. To close his eyes for a minute and imagine how I must be feeling. Or to make that mental leap. Am I having a bad day? Am I particularly weepy or bitchy? Well, wouldn’t it be nice if he could stop and wonder why I might possibly be feeling down?
I don’t mean to talk shit about Frenchie. I’m lucky in him and I know it but ... I still need more from him. I don’t need suggested “solutions”. I don’t need his theories. I just want him to hold my hand, and understand me and hurt with me and for him to get to be as proactive as I’ve been rather than sitting on the sidelines of this battle that I feel I’m waging all on my own.
Infertility is the loneliest place I’ve ever been. But I do want to thank you all for sticking by me. You’ve made a huge difference in my life. I don’t know where I’d be if not for the collective support of my blogger friends. This didn’t start out as a fertility blog but it has kind of turned into one. Thank you for always being there for me.
sky girl rambled @ 6/23/2006
27 Comments:
I dont think what you want is asking to much, babe. Have you shared this with him, told him what you need? Sometimes a detailed map is in order Ive found.
a special friend of mine recently reminded me that men are bizarre creatures. sorry fellas... it's just a figure of speach. ;-)
she also said "you two will manage to work through this. as long as you keep sight of the important stuff. somewhere you'll find middle ground."
she knows what she's talking about.
thank you, for always being there.
Halo said exactly what I was going to say ;) road map, a GPS, something!
men-women
cats-dogs
same difference............
my husband is always accusing me of expecting him to read my mind.......and he's right....I DO!......'specially because I'm so good at reading his.....
(((flydoll))) Maybe you could print this post and have Frenchie read it. It speaks volumes honey. love you much sweetone.
Wonderful post.
I've been through all the humiliating tests, talks to fertility doctors, read the literature, and all that. Its not just a medical issue. Its a profoundly emotional one.
In my own case we ultimately decided to go the route of adoption. I was a poor young teacher, and expensive procedures with no guarantee of success were not in the cards. I have two wonderful children now and I'm happy.
I guess I do understand Fly...as much as a guy can anyway.
i can't pretend to know, but i most definately care...
from a man's point of view, (and i'm gonna warn you in advance this will sound chauvinistic), our jobs are to provide food, shelter, and procreate. now, having said that, even though we may want offspring, it doesn't necessarily mean we crave children the way a woman can. women are designed to be mothers, and there is an instinctive desire to bear young.
it's not that frenchie doesn't care, of that i'm positive. it's that he doesn't crave like you do. most men aren't wired that way.
he loves you and i bet you everything in my pocket he wants you happy more than anything, he just may not understand the gravity of the whole thing from your perspective.
{{{fly}}}
I have to agree with a lot of what Tank says about the biological and emotional differences between men and women.
Let's say Frenchie's thing was broke, just didn't work anymore. Where you might be certainly concerned, supportive, wanting to do whatever it took to help........your devastation wouldn't come anywhere near his, it just wouldn't, because you wouldn't understand what that would mean to a man, that void, that attack to his manhood, to everything it means to be a man.
Also, and I'm just projecting here, mostly cause I think people tend to just give hugs and support here, which is good, but......sometimes I think a more open dialog is called for, maybe Frenchie feels some resentment that the issue has become the definition of your relationship, or at least so predominant in your day to day life, when he so obviously loves you and only being married two years, he may want for things to be more carefree, joyful, with the focus on your relationship. I guess what I'm saying is......don't forget the most important thing of all is your marriage, and that you and he are happy together, kids or no, five of them, one, none, that it's always going to be you two.
Well, I guess now is as good a time to delurk as any so...
Be aware of something (if you aren't already), while I can not speak specifically for him, just understand that how men and women "hurt" is different.
We generally do not wear disappointment like this on our sleeve. We need to "appear strong" and are quick to bury it as deep down as possible.
You are right when you say we are "fixers" and as such, when there is nothing we can say to "fix" a situation, often words elude us. That doesn't (necessarily) mean we don't GET IT as much as we don't know how to EXPRESS IT.
Of course some just DON'T get it, so perhaps I should shut up now.
Just my couple of copper coins.
i had this conversation with my dh just last night. i accused him (and yes, it really came out as an accusation- lovely communication technique) of not caring as much as me. he pointed out that yes, he is a fixer, and yes, it makes him miserable to see me miserable so he wants to just ignore the whole thing. but he also pointed out that infertility issues make him miserable and unbearably sad too, and he doesn't feel like telling me that would help. he thinks of sharing as putting an undue burden on me, like one of us has to be the strong one or we'll just slip further into despair.
sometimes the whole "this is how it works for us" thing feels more about the commenter than the blogger, and i am sorry if i come across that way. i was just struck by his take on the situation, and it has changed the way i view his reaction to all of this. i hope it helps. *big hug*
I don't think this is a "fertility blog" but you do write a lot about that right now. I think we all tend to blog about whatever issues are biggest in our mind and heart at the moment. That's what this place is for! I hope one day you will no longer be blogging about fertility but about the joys and tribulations of motherhood.
Wow this post totally hit home. It's very similar to how I was feeling last week when talking to my husband. He is supportive, but not always in the way that I need. I even went as far as telling him that I would get him a calendar and mark all the significant days and things on it to make it easier for him (of course he didn't want that.)It is lonely in the infertility world, and hard when we don't get what we need. The roadmap solution is a good one. Men definately can't read our minds. And don't forget to remind him abouot the map every so often. And don't forget that you are not alone. We are here for you, and so is your husband, it the ways that he knows how.
i dont have anymore words to add to whats already been said...
just gonna sit next to you and put my arm around you...
hugs and love
peace...
Like so many have said, men and women are different critters when it comes to dealing with and expressing emotions. We interpret men's emotions through our own filters, but they don't always work that way.
You say his disappointment lasts a moment, but maybe it's just that his expression of his disappointment lasts a moment. Men are often taught to supress what they consider negative emotions. Also, when men are feeling sad, their instinct is often to want to be alone, so he may be showing his concern for you by not making a big deal of it or by trying to give you some space. Sometimes we all do the exact wrong thing for all the right reasons.
Maybe you could tell him some specifics actions that would communicate his concern about this. Men are usually much more comfortable with actions, and they *want* to take actions that will make us feel better. (There's the fixer in them!) So, tell him specifics, like when you get your period, you need him to hug you. Tell him you need some extra attention and give him examples of what you need to have him do, what you want to hear him say.
The bottom line is that he loves you, and he wants you to be happy. He just doesn't always know how to do that or how to communicate that. So tell him, with lots of specifics.
It'll be okay. Remember it took years for you two to find each other, and it's just taking time for the right egg and the right sperm to find one another. They're just being picky, and that's okay. The right combination will come along in the right time. Hugs.
I could just copy and paste this post over at my blog; it's pretty much exactly how things are over here.....
You rock.
i....am not goin' anywhere.
just sayin'
It doesn't sound weird at all Fly.
They are fixers and if they haven't got the solution for something they tend to become ostrich-like because they feel they haven't done their 'job'.
Men don't ruminate like we do and that makes us feel like they don't care as much or understand.
I agree with some of the others, maybe show this to Frenchie.
I'm impressed with the openness of the male responses here too but then again, males who write are a special breed and do tend to 'get it' more than others.
I think you are very insightful and precisely right. They are embarassed fixers.
You took the words right out of my mouth. I think a lot is that they are hurting too, but they often keep it bottled and it comes out in other ways. I know C hurts, it only took him 4 years to admit that. They are stuck between wanting to fix things but not wanting to "know" everything either. Knowing evreything seems to kill their mood
Yeah...they are so different from us that it seems like a cruel joke that we're supposed to be paired up. Stupid boys. Love them so...
Big ole hugs to you.
Dear Flygirl.
I understnad completely what you mean. (Gosh, do I say that on all your comments? I think I do. So unoriginal)I often feel very alone in this journey too - especially because T. already has my step-kids (albeit in another state)and the push for one more is really from me.
But then, someone has to pick up the pieces of real life. Someone has to be comfort-er to my comfort-ee. And it's clearly not going to be me, not where this is concerned, anyway.
Don't let the infertility destroy what IS good between you. It's so hard on relationships; don't I know it.
Love from me xx
Sometimes I don't comment because, as a single guy who never had a deep desire for chldren, I know that I often don't know exactly how you feel. Except, of course, that you do express your feelings very well here.
P.S. Flygirl - your tagged for some diversionary meme fun.Check out my (new, WORKING) blog.xx
Fly, I'm sure Frenchie feels every bit as hurt as you but he is staying strong. You need a strong man to support you through all this. If he crumbled too you wouldn't be able to keep up the fight.
You are a great couple!
*hugs*
Amen Sister! They don't have to feel the same as us, just walk in our shoe's long enough to understand our feelings.
Fly,
You know, while you probably have great support system in real life, I think at one time or another we've all looked to the blogosphere for some additional support: and we ALWAYS find it. I think that is one of the appeals of blogging. And as I have read your blog, I have actually found that I think your man is being-doing- all he can and while there are always things that could be done better, he has the important stuff in his heart: you.
I think it's clear that this is just another example of how men and women think differently.
In general, I think women are more rationale than men, except when it comes to emotions.
If my wife had had a second miscarriage, I know I would have given up. As it is, the trauma of my son's birth has made me want no more.
But I think the maternal instinct in women is so strong that a lot of men don't understand what women are prepared to endure to get there.
Men see the money and the pain and the tears and wonder if it's worth it. A woman who wants a child will go through all that and more and still think it's worth it.
But I understand your point. Guys do want to fix everything, but sometimes support is about fixing, it's about sharing and being there, together.
It may not be on your level, and it may not be entirely apparent, but I promise, he's with you.
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