.:She Speaks:.

Flygirl moves on.

2006-07-03T16:13:00.000-04:00

Looking for me?

Go HERE.

{ butterflygirl.wordyblog.com }

The Time Has Come

2006-06-28T21:52:00.000-04:00

Today, I need to keep busy.
Else I might lose my mind.
I'm doing okay.
Thanks to some talking off of the ledge by Leenie and Musey.
Those girls keep me together some days.

Anyway!
I've imported my archives and all your lovely comments
and
I'm as ready as I'll ever be to make the move.

Why does change scare the hell out of me so much?

I was wondering how to go about this.
I was going to make anyone who was interested ask for my new addy.
But that seems like a whole lotta work for the sole reason of wanting to know if I have any lurkers.

So do me a favour will ya?
Follow me on over to wordyblog.
Update your links and bookmarks.
And please please please drop me a comment or an email to let me know you're there.
Soon I'll add in some code that will direct any hits to wordyblog anyway.

And thanks for following me on the ride that is my life.

Click Here.

livid

2006-06-28T10:52:00.000-04:00

I am shaking.
I feel sick.
I am angry.

My fertility clinic has royally fucked me over. I’ve been waiting for a phone call from them since May 30. I was biding my time, trying not to overreact but when they still hadn’t called as of last week I started to make my own phone calls.

After repeated and increasingly frustrated messages, I finally got a call back this morning. Don’t ya know they can’t book me in until July 10th and that’s the soonest they have so I’d better deal with it. Well July 10th puts me into my next cycle which means that because of their fuck up I have to wait another month for my IUI.

The only reason that I even got a call back at this point was because I was making a general nuisance of myself and my RE’s admin personally went to them to find out why I hadn’t been contacted. If not for her, I’d still be waiting.

I am so upset that I don’t know what do to with myself. Do I make a big stink about it when these people hold my future in their hands? Do I bite my tongue and deal with it?

I don’t know what to fucking do but I cannot concentrate on anything else. Don’t they know they are fucking with my LIFE????? How can people who are trained to deal with infertility possibly be so callous? A single month to an IFer is an eternity and signifies another month lost and another month older.

I called my admin and left her a message. There’s nothing she can do about it but I just felt the need to tell someone how I felt. I also emailed the clinic manager to outline my “concerns” and issues with the events of the past month. Maybe I shouldn’t have done it while I’m so upset but I just don’t know what else to do with myself.

I can barely keep myself together today and I have to try. My coworkers know something’s going on and I hate to contribute to their nosiness. It’s only a matter of time (minutes maybe) before they start asking questions.

How am I going to get through the rest of the day?

Do you see it?

2006-06-27T21:33:00.000-04:00

A Butterfly for Butterfly.

Today my Daddy posted this photo (taken in Arizona) on his Flickr site. This was the caption:

This was taken for you, girl. Like this one, you are a rock!

Can you see the butterfly wings? My Daddy rocks.

I guess that's why they call it the blues

2006-06-26T11:07:00.000-04:00

Feeling a little blue today. My eyelids are heavy. My forehead creased. Just lotsa shit going on in my head these days.

Friday’s post garnered some interesting feedback. New commenters and lurkers came out of the woodwork and all had something valuable to say. I appreciate all the “2 cents” that I was given.

Frenchie and I will be okay. Of that I’m sure so no worries on that front. I am prone to frustration though so I may need to air it out every once in a while. :)

One comment on Friday brought me to a full stop. What if, as compatible as Frenchie and I seem to be, our genes are not so compatible and that’s why this isn’t working? Is it possible that if we were with different mates, we would both have kids by now? I guess, that I’ll never know but the thought chills me to the bone.

Anyway.

Here’s my news. I’m working on new digs. I’ve been busy tweaking to my heart’s content (with Ed’s help) and am about ready to make the move. It’s funny but even though Blogger can be hellishly frustrating sometimes, I feel slightly panicked about moving. It’s hard to leave what you know isn’t it? But the security is good and the fact that I can password protect is valuable. The best part is probably my new landlord. Makes a huge difference to have the human touch rather than standard issue replies to my queries and concerns.

So…. stay tuned. I hope that you’ll make the move with me.

{most} Men just don't get it.

2006-06-23T11:44:00.000-04:00

And I mean that in the kindest way. I’d like to exclude present company from that statement and I can do that because the ones that don’t get it stopped reading and commenting on my blog ages ago. The ones that have stayed have come to mean the world to me.

I think there are a few reasons that infertility makes so many men uncomfortable and these are my theories only so don’t get mad at me if you don’t agree.

First, I think that talk of infertility in general embarrasses a lot of men. Maybe because they wonder if their own fertility may ever be called into question. Interesting thought that, but I can wonder at it with some certainty because I have had more than one man feel the need to tell me how “super” their sperm is.

I think that the biggest reason IF talk makes men uncomfortable is because they just don’t know what to do with it. Men are “fixers”. If we are hurt they want to fix the reason. If something is broken, they want to fix it.

But it just so happens that men can’t fix what is wrong. It’s a mindfuck ~ to me, as well as my man. The best of intentions won’t fix what’s wrong with me. It’s out of my control and his too.

Frenchie doesn’t understand what I need from him but I think it’s pretty simple. I need him to take this stuff as seriously as I do. And I know this may sound weird but I need it to bother him. I need for him to be as upset as I am when my hopes are dashed over and over again. I need for him to ache like I do, even if it’s only briefly. I need for him to be affected by the constant failure and to feel as panicked as I do about the future.

It sounds terrible. It sounds like I want for him to hurt. And it’s not that, exactly. I just need for him to care as much as me. When I get my period, it brings my world to jarring halt. But not for him. His reaction is usually something along the lines of “well, that’s a bummer.” or “oh… (appropriate pause)…. so what’s for dinner?”

Disappointment, for him, lasts for an instant. For me, if it ever lessens, I’m lucky. What I need is for him to put himself in my shoes. To close his eyes for a minute and imagine how I must be feeling. Or to make that mental leap. Am I having a bad day? Am I particularly weepy or bitchy? Well, wouldn’t it be nice if he could stop and wonder why I might possibly be feeling down?

I don’t mean to talk shit about Frenchie. I’m lucky in him and I know it but ... I still need more from him. I don’t need suggested “solutions”. I don’t need his theories. I just want him to hold my hand, and understand me and hurt with me and for him to get to be as proactive as I’ve been rather than sitting on the sidelines of this battle that I feel I’m waging all on my own.

Infertility is the loneliest place I’ve ever been. But I do want to thank you all for sticking by me. You’ve made a huge difference in my life. I don’t know where I’d be if not for the collective support of my blogger friends. This didn’t start out as a fertility blog but it has kind of turned into one. Thank you for always being there for me.

65 million

2006-06-21T20:47:00.000-04:00

We got Frenchies test results today. Wait. I should amend that. HE got his results today. You know what he heard?

blah blah blah..... count is good..... blah blah blah.....motility is good ..... blah blah blah.... morphology could be better..... blah blah blah.... aim for 10%, you have 7%....blah blah.... but it's okay..... won't effect the IUI....blah.

So he calls me and tells me. Okay. Guess what? We already knew most of that stuff (he's had 2 previous tests) but we didn't know that about the morphology (put simply: the shape). So, do you think he would have listened a little more closely to what the doctor had to say?

Nope. It won't effect the IUI and that's all we need to know. Right?

So fucking wrong. I have questions and no answers and now I'm going to have to call the doctor like I'm his damn mother or something to find out the details. I need to know stuff! For instance: What is 10% and what is 7%? 7% of what for crying out loud?!

I wish that for one minute that he could put himself in my shoes. Infertility affects my whole life. There's not a minute that goes by that I don't think about it. But for him it's like a blip on the radar and it's so frustrating.

I love him dearly but if I could have reached through the phone to slap/strangle/pinch him, I would have. Is it control freakish of me to need to know more details? Am I being unreasonable?

He said that he's sure that the doctor said something about the fact that this '7% thing' has not had anything to do with the reason that we haven't conceived. I'm inclined to agree with him but for fuck's sakes, it would be nice to have more details.

Gah!!!!

He drives me crazy.

So, tonight I'm left with this:

He's fine.

I'm fine.

I ovulate.

He's got a count of 65 million.

Why oh why can't one of those 65 million sperm find their way to my egg?

Do I have a hide and seek egg and his sperm are too stupid to look in the right places?

Damned uncooperative things.

an everyday trip to the movies

2006-06-21T10:12:00.000-04:00

My life is so exciting. My weekend consisted of taking my Dad out for breakfast, gardening, a walk at a conservation area and going to the movies. Had you told me 10 years ago that I would no longer be partying every weekend, I would have laughed. If you had told me that I’d be tired by midnight on Saturday night I would have shaken my head at your silliness.

But there it is. An exciting outing for me is a trip to the movies.

Although, this was no ordinary trip to the movies. It started out like any other movie going experience. I was excited because the show we picked was X*men 3: The Last Stand. I love the X*men movies (It's got nothing to do with the fact that Hugh J@ckman is one sexy man). Can’t get enough of them and was looking forward to seeing it on the big screen.

So, anyway, the movie had pretty much played out. The resolution was winding up when the screen went blank and the lights came on. WTF? Ushers moved quickly into the theatre and before the rowdy Canadian crowd of moviegoers got out of control (<-read with sarcastic tone) they told us there was “a situation” and that we would all be issued free movie passes and would exit quickly out the side door.

No one would tell us what was going on but more than a little uneasy, we all gathered up our belongings and filed obediently out of the theatre. Apparently a “suspicious suitcase” with “wires sticking out” had been discovered in the courtyard next to the theatre. The whole movie theatre (AMC 24) and the neighbouring pub were evacuated. The bomb squad was called in and they detonated the case. I still haven’t heard whether there was actually any cause for alarm but needless to say it was a sobering experience. (And I should mention that I’m very impressed with how the staff at the AMC handled the situation and at how quickly the police reacted.)

Leaving the theatre, I felt a little freaked out. It was just the reality of the situation that left me feeling uneasy. What if it had been a bomb? I could have been part of a dreadful headline. Can you imagine? 24 busy theatres and 1 very busy pub. It would have made for quite the disaster.

Anyway, even if it was an explosive device, I’m willing to bet that it was very small time. But in the wake of the recent arrests of alleged terrorists in Toronto it was still eye-opening. We Canadians are used to feeling pretty safe but something like this leaves you wondering. What if some looney decided to blow up a theatre or shoot up a restaurant and I happened to be in it.

What if?

Crap

2006-06-20T14:03:00.000-04:00

I promise I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Work is keeping me busy but there are brighter times ahead. After today I should be able to get back into my groove.

If indeed I had a groove to begin with.

It's debatable.

gifts unbought

2006-06-16T11:46:00.000-04:00

More and more often I find myself wondering what to write.
Staring at the blank document in front of me
fingers posed over the home row
biting my lip
mind idling.

I wonder why I’m having writer’s block these days.
My mind is busy enough.
My days are full.
But still, nothing.

Maybe I’m going through a mid-blogger-life crises.

Anyway, it’s Father’s Day this weekend.
Although I dearly wish that I was buying Frenchie his first Father’s Day present,
this is nowhere near as hard on me as Mother’s Day was.
I’m looking forward to spending time with my Dad
and
making up for the absence of my sister.

The rift between my parents and my sister grows.
I thought it was getting better for a while but I was wrong.
I don’t talk about her much here.
I love her dearly.
She is one in a million and I’m very close with her.
But I am having an increasingly difficult time
bridging the chasm between her and my parents.

Seeing them in pain, causes me pain.
I wish I could heal them
but I cannot.
All I can do is try to make up for the hurt by being the best daughter I can be.

I guess that whole situation is just one more reason why I take infertility so hard.
I want so much to give them a grandchild.
The fact that I haven’t been able to is like a knife in my heart.
Because they would make the best grandparents.
It seems so unfair that my problem affects them too.
They should have a grandchild to lavish love upon.
To receive happiness and freely given love from.

Is there any day or area of my life that infertility doesn’t affect?
I don’t think so.

Deep in the secret part of my soul and the most protected part of my heart I hope beyond hope that next year I’ll be able to give my parents gifts from their grandchild.

Close Call

2006-06-15T10:52:00.000-04:00

Frenchie always makes fun of me because even when driving I’m constantly looking around.
Not much escapes my notice.
My “can’t miss a thing” attitude served me well this morning.
A cute and rather frightened deer bounded in front of my car.
Had I not been looking in that direction, I wouldn’t have stopped in time.

I slammed on the brakes.
My whole body tensed up.
I imagine the deer’s did too.
We looked at each other for a brief moment.
I tooted my horn to scare her back into the bushes and she complied.

My heart pounding, I drove off.
I cannot tell you how torn up I would have been if I’d hit that deer.
I’ve got a connection with them.
I would have been inconsolable.

Now my body is feeling the after effects.
I have neck problems to begin with and this has not been a good week.
My sudden tensing exacerbated matters considerably.
Too bad I can’t get high from the muscle relaxers I’m on.
Cause that would be a good way to spend the day.
:)

(No, it's not snowing in Canada right now. This is one of my favourite pics of my deer friends.)

Figured I'd better post but it's more of a ramble...

2006-06-14T10:06:00.000-04:00

I am coffee free today.
That makes hump day hard.
My body has been doing strange things lately and I’m trying to track down the reason why.
Cutting out coffee is kind of my last ditch effort to see if that’s what’s fucking me up.
Can one’s system all of a sudden stop tolerating coffee?
Fucked if I know.
But it makes me blue just to think about it.

I’m drinking tea right now.
With heartfelt apologies to Ed, tea just doesn’t quite cut it.

(insert big pitiful sigh here)

Anyway, thanks to all for your anniversary wishes.
And, yeah, I know I’m lucky.
That Frenchie keeps me grounded and keeps me going.
He’s a good one, is Frenchie.

I wish that every woman could have their own Frenchie.

Big news in my infertility circle.
Our friend Beth has seen a BFP (“big fat positive” for those who don’t know) with her own 2 eyes.
My most heartfelt congratulations go out to her.
It’s gratifying to see someone get good news for a change.

There is still hope after all.
We’re not all doomed to failure and sadness.
That’s heartening right?

2 years

2006-06-12T13:27:00.000-04:00

Or 730 days.
That’s how long Frenchie and I have been married.
Some days it feels like we’ve been married for 2 decades.
Some days it feels like 2 weeks.

We’ve sure been through a lot in the last 2 years.
There is a big part of me that is proud at how we’ve weathered the stormy parts.
There are worse fates than to spend the rest of your life with the man you love.
If there never are any kids, we’re still rich in each other.
A little worse for wear maybe but one way or another, we’ll get through this.

There is a hard part though.
2 year anniversary of marriage.
Also means that we’ve been trying to get pregnant for 2 years less a month.
Of course we weren’t too serious at first.
But still….
Had we conceived right away I’d have a one year old right now.

Hard to even imagine.

But today I focus on the good stuff.
Because if you’d asked me 4 or 5 years ago?
I’d have bet a large sum on money, wagering that I’d be single forever.
I didn’t think that there was anyone “out there” for me.
And when we did find each other, I swore that if nothing else good ever happened in my life that I would still be lucky.

And although it’s hard to remember on those days when I feel like my heart’s been torn out, I guess I am.

Lucky, that is.

One of these is mine.

2006-06-09T10:30:00.000-04:00

No, I’m not catholic.
And I didn’t know if it would be “wrong” for a Protestant-born girl to light a candle.
So I made Frenchie light it.

Do you think it’s odd that I took a picture of it?
I guess it is.
But you must understand that I don’t go too far without my camera these days.
We didn’t go into the church intending to light candles.
But there it is anyway.

I love old churches.
The hushed atmosphere, the solitude, the dimly lit interiors.
Even though I’ve got issues with religion, I do find a sense of peace when I’m in church.
Whether that’s my upbringing
or
My respect and awe for the reverence that other visitors show when there.
I don’t know.

I wish I could find the comfort and solace in church and religion,
that others seem to find.
But I cannot.
So I’ll have to settle for the fleeting sense of peace.
That steals across my soul.
Temporarily easing
the furrowed brow.
the worried look in my eyes.
the tenseness in my neck and in my clenched fists.
the chaotic jumble of my thoughts.

We used to have a travelling sound installation in the Art Gallery here.
The Forty Part Motet.
In the middle of a courtyard you could enter a large chapel.
Inside there were 40 speakers arranged in a circle.
Each speaker represents a voice in a choir.
When they burst into song you could walk around and listen to each voice individually
or
sit on a bench in the middle of the room and be genuinely overwhelmed with the collaborative effect of the singers.
It was stunningly beautiful and it moved me like I’m rarely moved.
I almost burst into tears in the middle of it all.

I wish it were still there.
I could sit there for hours.

Heart of Glass?

2006-06-07T10:38:00.000-04:00

I forgot to put antiperspirant on today. Fuck I hate it when I do that. I have an emergency stick (normally I use the clear gel kind ~ not that you care) in my desk but when I opened it, it crumbled ~ all over my black pants. How cool am I today with white deodorant marks on my PANTS!? (Have I ever mentioned that I hate the word 'slacks'?)

Ah well. I guess if that’s the worst thing that happens today, it’ll be a good day.

Yesterday afternoon when I got home, there was a little potted plant sitting on my porch with a “just because” homemade card. It was from my neighbours that also deal with infertility (male factor, though). I cannot tell you how touched I was. I started to cry before I could even get into my house. Yesterday was not the greatest of days. While I’m still not experiencing a great sense of grief, an overwhelming sense of panic has started to set in.

I wrote a huge post yesterday about the above mentioned panic but when I read it over I found that it had a really angry tone to it and posting it would be silly and pointless.

The good news is that yesterday was Frenchie’s birthday. This makes him 32, which makes me happy because then it seems like I am only a little older than he is at 33. When he got to say he was 31 to my 33, it pissed me off. (Yes, I am a nuts like that.)

Poor guy couldn’t even get lucky because he has a “test” scheduled for tomorrow and to put it plainly he cannot come for 2 to 3 days beforehand. But what the hell, I bought him a beautiful 18V drill for his birthday and it sure seemed like that made up for the lack of birthday sex.

I guess it says something about us when a drill makes up for the lack of sex. Ha!

The other good news is that I’m outta here at 230pm today. I love early days.

I am listening to Blondie’s Heart of Glass right now. As I’ve never really listened to the lyrics, I find myself wondering if a heart of glass implies that the heart is easily broken or that it’s cold and hard. I must check the lyrics and see what they say.... BRB…… okay…. well the lyrics are a little silly actually. Seems that the ‘love that was a gas now has a heart of glass’.

Whatever.

But I still love the title. There are many many days that I feel like I have a heart of glass. Easily broken or cold and hard?

You decide.

the end is near

2006-06-06T08:20:00.000-04:00

My car’s odometer reached 60666 this morning on the way to work. I took a picture. Do you think it’s an omen of some sort? I mean, what are the chances that it reaches a 666 number on 6/6/6?

Hm.

At least The Evil MiL has come and gone. Oddly enough she was reasonably well behaved this visit. Maybe it’s because had she pulled her usual shit, she would have only been alienating herself. The small crowd of people I put together definitely worked to my advantage.

Funny thing about the Evil One though. As important as seeing Frenchie for his birthday was last year? She was in no hurry to arrive and actually left early so that she could spend some time at the casino. WTF?

Not that I’m complaining (the shorter the visit, the better) but what kind of mother does that?

Anyway, aside from that, my headache meant exactly what I feared it meant. It was a harbinger of doom ~ a signal of unavoidable hormonal changes. For that, I am sad. There are some days that I wish I didn’t know my body the way that I do. Some days it would nice to be ignorant for just a little while longer.

With my headache went all my hopes to get pregnant naturally. That was my last chance before I dive into IUI and whatever else comes my way. I haven’t grieved yet this month and strangely, I don’t feel like I need to. I feel a sense of resignation that I’ve never felt before.

It could be that grief is waiting just around the corner for me. I feel sad, yes. But I am not feeling the absolute devastation that I usually feel. I guess, maybe I knew it was over a while ago and I just didn’t know that I knew it?

I have a headache

2006-06-03T12:58:00.000-04:00

And damnitall but nothing good is ever brought by my headaches.
They are the bell ringers.
The enders of fantasies.
The bringers of bad news.

Blah.

Or maybe I can write it off to the weather?
You know,
high pressure... low pressure....moving systems.... humidity
Or maybe....
the fact that the Evil MiL is on the road with her big ass van pointed in my direction?

Bleck.

It's raining.
Which means I won't be able to easily step outside for a breather from all things Evil.
But I have arranged for a human buffer.
I'm so clever.
I've managed to invite 4 people that I love.
With them, plus my FiL (who I genuinely like), I may just be able to shrug off The Evil MiL's atrocious behavior.

Hmmm.

Because I'm not gonna let her bother me.
I will not blame Frenchie for her rudeness.
I will choose to be happy and I will ignore her poison.

Pfft.

Now if I could just ignore this damn headache and all that it entails.

Sigh.

A Halo: One in a million

2006-06-01T14:29:00.000-04:00

That was just something that needed to be said.

love you girl.

Return of the Evil MiL

2006-06-01T09:50:00.000-04:00

Frenchie’s birthday is coming up. I was remembering back to this time, last year. I was experiencing stress like I never had before. I was (am I not still?) a complete mess. To top it all off, I had 2 sets of houseguests in my small little house for a solid week, spanning around Frenchie’s special day.

The company had nothing to do with his birthday. It was just when they happened to be visiting. Ya see, I live near our nation’s capital so my place is logical lodging for those who would like to do the tourist thing.

Anyway, I digress. Last year, the Evil MiL raised quite a stink because all of a sudden it was of dire (DIRE!)importance for her to see her boy on his birthday. WTF? It’s never been all that important before and all of a sudden when my house is bursting at the seams she decides that she must come down and further fray my delicate nerves.

In short, we (read: Frenchie) told her not to come, that it wasn’t feasible. She backed down but before I knew it I received an email from her stating that even though we had no room for her and were very busy with company that she would be coming down anyway just to spend the afternoon because it was sooooooooo important to her to see her son on his birthday.

She never ended up coming. Frenchie put a stop to her ridiculous behavior and we had her come another weekend instead. So this year, I thought ahead. Why not invite her this year for his birthday? She should be thrilled right? Pfft. She was so nonchalant about it that I couldn’t even believe it.

“Maybe we’ll come….”
“Let me check….”

For someone who made such a big deal out of it last year, it certainly seemed to lack importance this year. Could it be that the Evil MiL was just trying to cause trouble for her angelic daughter-in-law? Shocking! Anyway, as it turns out (after much humming and hawing) she is coming. She’ll be arriving Saturday for my weekend enjoyment. (Be ready for a bitchy post.)

I don’t know how I’m going to abide this woman for the rest of her natural life. Don't I have enough to deal with? How could my sweet, loving, kind, thoughtful husband have spawned from such a wretched woman? No wonder he left home at 17.

July/August

2006-05-30T12:14:00.000-04:00

Things are okay here. Just not enough time to write these days. I took yesterday off, so with that and all my doctor’s appointments, I am rushing to take care of my workload.

Frenchie and I had an appointment at the Fertility Clinic this morning. For the pleasure of signing my name once, I got to pay them $400. Ain’t that grand? Anyway, the good news is that I’ll be able to start my next treatment step (IUI) this summer. I’m hoping that July works out but it may not be until August. For now, I’m operating under the assumption that it’ll be a July IUI. Any later and I’ll lose my mind. If only time moved as slowly as the fertility clinic.

I’m nervous. Chances that it’ll even work at all are slim. Then if it DOES work, there’s a pretty high risk of multiple births. Funny thing about that….. I never would have wished for twins before this infertility bullshit. Now? I’ve almost got my fingers crossed for it. I think I surprised Frenchie today when I told the doctor that I was actually hoping for twins so he didn’t have to worry too much about warning me about the possibility.

I’m too scattered to write anymore. Sorry for the helter skelter nature of this post but truth be told I just wanted to move my previous post out of the line of sight.

Unworthy

2006-05-26T08:44:00.000-04:00

I am plagued with thoughts that are unworthy of me. Because I know they are unworthy, my guilt goes into overdrive but nonetheless, I just can’t seem to help where my thoughts go.

It makes me feel badly. Like I am a bad person. And if I AM such a bad person, perhaps I’m undeserving of children anyway. It’s a fucking viscous cycle, I tell ya.
Mostly, my anger and frustration is directed at the girl at work who is pregnant. Thankfully, she doesn’t know how desperately I don’t want to hate her ... but do anyway. She doesn’t know that every time I see her, I want to scream that it should be me, and not her, that is experiencing the joy of pregnancy.

I’m more deserving. I’ve tried harder. I’ve given my blood sweat and tears to this cause. Not to mention my sanity, my reason and my smile. I’m insanely jealous of morning sickness and weight gain. I’m green with envy over the fact that she will give birth around Christmas time, which has always been such a special time of year for me.

I’m mad that she has been married for a shorter time than I have and is pregnant. I’m pissed off that I have to experience this heartache when all she gets is joy. I’m fucking furious that she barely had to try at what I intensely labour over every month.

I rage over that fact that she never has to question her worthiness, her womanhood, her future and that she doesn't have to grieve over her failures every month. Can you believe that? How awful! How could I ever wish that someone else should know the depth of my grief? I’m mad. I’m just plain mad. I can barely look at her. And I’m afraid. So afraid that all this makes me a horrible person. Deep down. The part of me that you rarely see. I’m rotten. The fact that I think and feel this stuff, makes me lower than low.

It's shameful but I just need to come clean. Even if it's here and no where else.

Naming them

2006-05-25T14:45:00.000-04:00

Following Leenie’s lead, I’ve decided to name some of my fears. It’s hard to write some of them, let alone speak them out loud. But I think I’ll do just that later on this evening. Maybe when those words roll off my tongue in the empty stillness, they will echo harmlessly and won’t seem as unconquerable as I perceive them to be.

I’m afraid…..

~to make a decision
~of the future
~to share
~that my past will ultimately be held against me
~to put down my mask
~that I don’t belong
~to look you in the eye
~of time
~that I’m a fraud and someday soon you’ll realize that
~to show weakness
~of my complete loss of reason some days
~to say the wrong thing
~that I don’t have it in me to be a good mother
~that my husband will realize that he’s better off without me
~that I will die a childless woman
~of the day that my parents will leave this earth
~that I’m not strong enough
~of disappointing you
~of my thoughts
~that I will end up like some of the old women in the place that I work
~to smile
~to show you how much I care
~that I will never feel whole
~that I will fail

Needles

2006-05-24T09:44:00.000-04:00

I lay there still and silent. The cd player is broken so all I have for company are the sounds I can hear through the slightly open window. Occasionally, birdsong cracks my reverie but otherwise there is only a faraway windchime carried in on the breeze.

Disengage. Breathe. Let go. Relax.

I force the tension from my neck and breathe deep, trying to catch the sent of lilacs through the window. My mind never fully disengages but if I’m lucky it will quiet down for a while. My thoughts lazily swing in slow motion as I slip into that half-aware place. But there is always an anchor. Always. My thoughts swing from that anchor in a game of Crack the Whip. Flying free through the empty. Then the anchor jerks and the caboose of my thoughts hurtles around and back in an arc.

Sharp and bitingly aware as the whip cracks. The journey is almost fun but it brings me arcing back to fully awake. Back into myself. I’m disappointed that my mind wasn’t free for longer but I’m grateful for the few quick moments.

Disengage. Breathe. Let go. Relax.

I look for it again and find it. Over and over again my mind is set free and it feels so good. But sooner or later the whip always cracks. Always.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

2006-05-23T10:01:00.000-04:00

But absence doesn’t necessarily mean that I have anything more to say when I’m ready to come back. I still find myself staring at the blinking cursor. Partly, I guess, my distraction has lots to do with where I am in my cycle. I’m all about temperatures and baby-dancing right now at the expense of everything else.

My body is playing tricks on me and I don’t like it. I’ve stopped responding to the drugs the way that I’m supposed to. In fact, it’s like I never even took them this month. So, I’m back where I started. Clueless and just feeling my way along in the dark.

Next week the siphoning of money begins in earnest. I’m bothered to no end about this. The fact that getting pregnant has come down to dollar signs just makes my heart ache. It also gives me a sick feeling in my gut as we are in no financial position to spend money on gambles.

Fuck it all anyway. As my Dad would say:

“In a hundred years it’ll all be ancient history.”

Thank you, Queen Vic

2006-05-19T14:15:00.000-04:00

Canadians celebrate a long dead queen this weekend in the form of a long weekend. Why, out of all the monarchs, does Queen Victoria get a Statutory holiday in her honour in Canada? I have no idea. When Queen Elizabeth goes will we get another day off in her honour? I bet they'll just change Victoria Day to Elizabeth Day. Or just make it Queen Day.

Queen Day has a nice ring to it. Husbands all over Canada could honour their wives like the queens they are. We could all wear tiaras and gowns and talk in terribly fake British accents, using the "Royal We" whenever possible.

Oh the fun we could have!!!!

Traditionally, this is the weekend that kicks off summer. Hordes of people hit the campgrounds and parks. Another, affectionate name for this weekend is May TwoFour. "Two Four", obviously referring to the many, many cases of beer (24 in a box!) that get sold and consumed this weekend. (Do Americans call cases of beer "Two Fours" as well?)

Also, very traditionally, the weather invariably sucks the big one making many campers resemble drowned rats and making the gardners stay inside. But the spirit is there and cannot be squashed. We shall eat, drink and be merry this weekend.

Have a safe, wet, wonderfully drunken weekend everyone! I, for one, am going to act queenly all weekend although Frenchie will argue that I always act queenly anyway. :)

just for a little while

2006-05-16T09:37:00.000-04:00

Just taking a little break. I haven’t felt like writing for days now so I’m just gonna wait this out. You know me… I go through these phases where I won’t shut up and then all of a sudden, I clam up.

Anyway, I am around ~ just quiet. I’ll be back to regularly posting soon, just not today.

ATTENTION MUSE READERS!!!

If you're trying to check in with our favourite Musey, please click HERE.

Mother's Day Looms

2006-05-11T12:21:00.000-04:00

Last year, it wasn’t hard. This year Mother’s Day looms like a dark cloud on my horizon. I’m trying not to give it much thought but deep in my heart I wish there were a special day for women who wish to be mothers. I want for Frenchie to do something special for me in recognition of all this crap. But he won’t. Not because he’s not a wonderful man but because his mind just doesn’t work like that. He won’t even realize how much I am hurting on Mother’s Day unless I tell him.

Do I sound spoiled or self centred for wanting him to do something thoughtful for me on Mother’s Day? Probably, but I don’t give a shit. It’s what I want deep in my heart. It’s what I need. But I’ll have to get myself through it. And I will. I’m just gonna keep as busy as possible until it is over.

To all you Mothers out there…. Sunday is your day. I hope that each and every one of you gets the special treatment you deserve on your special day. I hope your kids and partner honour you the way that you deserve to be honoured. But do me a favour? Take a moment to reflect on how incredibly lucky you are to be able to celebrate such a day. There are so many of us that would give anything to be in your shoes. If someone close to you is dealing with fertility problems, please take a moment to give them a big warm hug, send a card, or whisper a couple of kind words to acknowledge their pain. It will mean a lot to them.

Good. Now that’s out, I shall endeavor to shower my own Mother with love over the next few days. After all, she deserves it! She is one in a million.

5 for Gratitude

1. Thursday night TV
2. Sandals
3. I get to see deer almost every evening on my way home from work
4. Flickr
5. My dream box

Restless

2006-05-10T21:31:00.000-04:00

I was too restless to write today. Just one of those days that lacks focus.

I'm watching the game and I was just about to type that 'I'm watching the Sens lose" but whatthefuckdoyaknow they scored just as I was typing it. Here's to an Overtime win....

Anyway! If nothing else I managed to come up with my list of 5 today.

Stuff I'm grateful for today:

1. A surprise lunch out with my folks
2. Having the bed to myself tonight
3. V8 Splash
4. I took my last Clomid today
5. Potato salad

Remembering Gratitude

2006-05-09T14:23:00.000-04:00

Years ago my sister gifted me with a homemade “Gratitude Journal”. Have you heard of this before? Every day you write down 5 things that you’re thankful for. It could be as simple as not being stuck in traffic on the way home. Or it could be as significant as a marriage proposal. What’s important is that you come up with 5 things every day.

I managed to do it for a while but it has long since gone by the wayside. I’m thinking of taking it up again. The goal is to become more positive and to recognize all the good in your life.

Last night, I was watching a TV show. One of the characters came out with a profound line that has been echoing in my head all day.

“I want to be happy for all the things I have, rather than sad for all the things I do not have."

I want that too. But I have a hard time remembering that when fate deals me a blow. The good things in my life get glossed over far too easily when I’m so wholly taken up with my mission.

So I think I’m gonna start it again. A simple list at the end of every day. Because I want to be happy for the things that I have.

Here’s a glimpse of what today’s list might look like:

The sunny warmth of this day.
My Mom and Dad. Together they make a helluva a rock for me to lean on.
This blogging community which makes me feel a little less lonely in my sadness every day.
Email.
My wonderful, thoughtful, sexy, lovable, joyful, happy-go-lucky, french, gorgeous husband.

in the Waiting Line

2006-05-08T10:52:00.000-04:00

Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line

~Zero 7

The IF blogging community has been dealt some blows recently. Out of all the IUI and IVF and ‘just plain trying’ cycles that I’ve been keeping track of, there hasn’t been any success. Not one positive test.

The Waiting Line is not getting any shorter. No one is proceeding past the “Please Line Up Here” sign. We’re milling around. We’re making friends. We’re crying together and getting used to life in the Waiting Line. It’s a sad fucking fact.

So here’s the thing. IFers question everything. We question the universe; the higher powers, ourselves, our partners, our whole lives. We wonder if we’re not worthy of being parents. We spend lots of time praying and hoping and wishing and trying to prove ourselves. So as I stand here in the Waiting Line, I look around at the company I’m keeping. These women astound me with their strength, fortitude and depth. And as I take in the amazing women around me, I find myself wondering. Wondering at the fact that if it was about some divine bestowment, I don’t deserve pregnancy any more than anyone else in the Waiting Line. Perhaps less so.

The first time that occurred to me I was sitting on a rock by the river. I was talking to myself but maybe I was actually praying. I made wishes for many (Becky, Nan, Jenny, Soralis, Utrus, Meg ….. the list is endless) and thought to myself. Why? Why should I ever get pregnant if these women can’t?

Don’t mind me. This is the stuff that’s deep in my heart and floating around my head. I don’t need assurances that it’s not about “deserving” or not. I don’t need anyone to suggest adoption. What I do need is to just get some of this stuff out.

Sometimes the light of day helps clarify these thoughts. Sometimes exposing my thoughts to air makes them shrivel up and disappear. So my goal is to take more of the things that are in the darkest part of me and expose them to light and air.

The Deep End

2006-05-05T11:26:00.000-04:00

I’ve written 3 posts today. I’ve deleted each of them. I’ve written about Frenchie, my meds, conversations, decisions…. but nothing feels right. I can’t decide if I’m having an up day or a down day. I’m bloody indecisive huh? How do you all put up with this crazy canuck?

My mind has been trying to focus on decisions lately. I was considering going off the meds that obviously aren’t making much of a difference. But last night I refilled my prescription for one more month.

One more month. Then I’m going off of them. I’m not saying that I’ll quit trying. I doubt I could ever do that. But I need to draw the line on these useless meds.

So I will throw myself into the task again. I will drink V8 Splash by the boatload. I will bathe in egg whites if it gives me a chance. I will have sex everyday and stand on my damn head after if it helps. Maybe Frenchie can just dangle me over the side of the bed by my ankles? Maybe he can do a fertility dance around the bed after we're done while I'm propping my hips up on a mountain of pillows. Maybe I can do a dance before we do the deed. Maybe we can meditate and chant. maybe maybe maybe.... Got any other idiotic myths I can try out? How about drinking lots of Coke before we do it so that my egg and his sperm are lively? Maybe Red Bull would be better? Are there any exercises for my uterus? I think it’s lazy or out of shape or something. Should I take out my nose-ring? Will my chi be more open if I do? Or how about I get my hips massaged because maybe they’re out of line? Maybe I can collect good luck talismans from everyone I know and place them on the headboard like old bingo ladies do. What the fuck right?

I'm losing it. I am fucking losing it.

In other news, I’m going to drink lots of Mike’s Hard Berry (you got that in the States?) this weekend. Maybe a few Pomtinis too. Join me won’t you?

Now for the the things I like/love about me. Is it just me or has this been an incredibly difficult exercise? I’m glad it’s my last day.

My Friday Five:

My skin is soft.
I am caring.
Words can make me tremble.
I dream to music.
I have nice lips and rarely wear lipstick.

Emotionally Wasted

2006-05-04T10:40:00.000-04:00

That's my phrase of the week. It just occured to me the other day and it seems to fit.

I called in sick today. Figured I could use a day. I wonder why I feel so guilty about using sick time. I mean, do I have to be coughing up a lung or bleeding out of my eyes to call in sick? Isn't the Dead & Void enough? Or how about the fact that I have to concentrate all day just to not cry. That's enough right?

I think so too. But I ended up using my neck as an excuse. Considering I was popping muscle relaxers yesterday and it really is giving me hell, I figured that was probably more legit than "I'm sad".

So here I am. HNTless. Workless. Aimless? Slept in this morning and damn that felt good. Now I'm lounging with my coffee and toast wondering what to do with my day. The good news is that the Dead & Void already seems to be beating a retreat. (Current stage: Grudging Acceptance) More good news is that it appears to be a beautiful day outside.

My folks are back from their dream vacation (~ maybe I'll go visit them). I picked them up 2 nights ago. I was at my worst that night but I just had to go and greet them. I figured their high spirits could only help my flagging one. They brought me a necklace that signifies strength. It's quite beautiful and I know that they bought it specifically for its meaning. She also brought me a little dream box. You write your wishes/hopes/dreams on a little piece of paper and tuck it inside. You leave it beside your bed, making sure to hold it every night before you go to sleep. Silly huh? Well, I agree but guess what I did last night? That's right. I carefully placed my paper in it and held it before I went to sleep.

Can you believe that as medical and technical as infertility is, that it's probably made me more superstitious than I ever was before? Crazy but as you can see, true.

My Mom also came back laden with images of kokapellis. Kokapellis, among other things, signify fertility. I practically burst into tears when she told me that one of her native guides gifted her with an etching of kokapellis that he had just finished. Good thing it was dark in the car.

I think that a coffee refill is in order. Perhaps more toast too.

I almost forgot the 5 things I like/love about me.

I am highly organized. (You just might not be able to tell.)
My taste in music. I like a little bit of everything.
I am pretty good at remembering birthdays.
My love of reading.
I am a pretty fun person to hang out with.

"Don't be so sad."

2006-05-03T09:33:00.000-04:00

I think that there should be a 6th stage of grief. I call it the Dead & Void. It can fall before or after the Depression stage depending on the situation. I feel the Dead & Void in my head, in my heart and in my soul. Even my facial features and body language reflects the Dead & Void.

It’s when you move through your day forgetting what you did 5 minutes ago. It’s when you make more mistakes than usual because there’s no focus. It’s when you have a delayed reaction to anything said to you because it takes your brain more time to process the information and its appropriate response. By the time you comprehend the voice on the other end of the phone, the call is disconnected and you’re left wondering what the caller must be thinking about you. Funny thing about the Dead & Void is that every once in a while it slips out of place and you find yourself with the most inappropriate feelings in the most inappropriate places.

The Dead & Void is a way of shutting down and protecting one’s self, I think. There’s really nothing you can do to speed up the Dead & Void. It has to run it’s own course.

I often wonder if, each time I pass through the Dead & Void, I have lost a piece of myself. Is it possible for all of me to bounce back from Dead & Void? I don’t believe it is. Each time I spend time in the Dead & Void, I add another small piece of who I used to be to the pile of other lost pieces of me. I wonder when the day will come that there’s more of me left in the Dead & Void than not.

That thought scares the crap out of me.

Today’s 5 things that I love about myself:

My (rather amateurish) photography.
How I continually surprise the doctors with the knowledge I have gained from reading, researching and joining the blogging IF community.
How I have turned my life around in the last few years.
My fierce and unwavering loyalty.
Even when I’m scared, I stand up for myself.

love/hate

2006-05-02T11:28:00.000-04:00

It’s difficult to come up with my list of 5 today because today I hurt. Today I see nothing nice or fine or okay about myself. Today I am a failure. I am insignificant and insufficient and broken and useless and … and … and…

So how am I supposed to come up with 5 things? Could I have picked a worse time to do this exercise? I guess that because it’s the worse time, maybe it’s the best time? Fuck if I know.

So here are my 5 and I struggled hard for these ones:

My nose. It’s not too big, not too small.
My ability to keep picking myself back up again. (Although, frankly, I question how much longer I’ll be able to keep that up.)
I give great head.
My curly hair. (Although some days it makes me swear, straight hair just doesn’t suit me.)
My talent for second hand shopping. (I can work those racks like nobody’s business.)

Whew. I did it. Now I can go back to wallowing in self-hate.

Sens and Sunburn

2006-05-01T10:33:00.000-04:00

The title about sums up my weekend. The Sens took the series in 5. The game was thrilling and exciting and wonderfully fun. By the end of the game my voice was hoarse and my knees were trembling. Playoffs are truly a fantastic experience.

We may have had nosebleed tickets but they were still great seats. Our section was the loudest and rowdiest in the building. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I can lay my hands on more tickets for the next round. If there ever is a time to spend an arm and a leg on tickets, it’s playoff time.

Otherwise, we had a gorgeous weekend. I spent most of my time outdoors, crawling around my yard pulling weeds. Hence, the sunburn. People may think I’m weird for handpulling weeds, but the truth is that I find it somewhat therapeutic. I call it my free therapy session. I get to take out my frustration on those damn prickly weeds that keep trying to take over my yard. The only problem is that as I bent over to my task at hand, my shirt rode up in the back exposing some very white skin so now I have a smile shaped sunburn on my lower back. Sweet.

Anyway, I’m having a bit of a blue day today so I’m trying to hold onto my happy weekend for as long as I can.

So I'm joining in on this 5 Things I Like About Myself excercise because the truth is I really focus on the negative things about me. So each day this week, I'm gonna try to find 5 things that I like about myself. Here's today's 5.

1. My hands. I have long, graceful fingers.
2. My smile.
3. That I can hold my liquor.
4. I do not pass judgement on people.
5. My green thumb.

shoes v. nature

2006-04-28T11:32:00.000-04:00

{2 posts in one morning? What is the world coming to?}

It's 1130am and I'll take lunch in the next hour or so. I find myself conflicted. Do I go and buy a new pair of shoes? Or do I take my camera to a local nature trail?

What a dilemna!

Although, retail therapy has a certain appeal and I would dearly love yet another pair of shoes, I am leaning towards the nature trail. Might be just the thing for my chaotic mind.

Update: Nature won out over shoes. I came across a Great Blue Heron on the nature trail which I couldn't get close enough to take a good shot of but if any work out, I'll be sure to post on Flickr.

I haven't ruled out the shoes as an after-work venture......

Some days, it's not even worth chewing through the restraints

2006-04-28T09:49:00.000-04:00

I received that quote in an email this morning. Boy did it make me laugh. Hits the nail on the head as to how I’ve been feeling lately. The yo-yo days continue here in fly-land. She’s up, she’s down, she’s all over the damn place.

I’m looking forward to the elements of my weekend giving me a little sense of balance and some relaxation:

~ beautiful weather
~ gardening and getting out the patio furniture
~ photo expedition
~ PLAYOFF GAME 5 TICKETS!!!!!!!

While the rest of my list is wonderful and would make for a great weekend all by itself, I am sooooo excited about going to a playoff game. I’ve never been to one and even though I have nosebleed seats, I’m looking forward to the thrill and the spirit of it. If they win this game then we’re off and running to Round 2 and the party on Saturday night will be massive.

Well, I guess that’s it for now. I must go and inhale my coffee now and see if I can clear my foggy head. Have a great weekend everyone!

Mean People Suck ~ HNT

2006-04-27T08:12:00.000-04:00

A group effort, called:

Mean {Click for Simplyleen}

Suck {Click for Laine}

Ass {Click for Musey}

Click on each word in that order to see the whole message.

In the spirit of HNT.... aren't we here to have fun? And if you don't want to participate in HNT, it's really not necessary to dump on those that do. Is it? Cause I've always had fun with HNT. I've always tried to keeps things tasteful and creative but most of all it's about the fun. And there's just no call for some of the mean posts and comments that I've seen.

So there.

Happy Thursday!

reel me in

2006-04-26T11:42:00.000-04:00

I got nothing.

NOTHING.

I feel tremors. Almost like my soul is vibrating. My thoughts are bouncing and careening around randomly. Distraction. Can’t focus. Can’t make decisions. I’m up, I’m down, I’m a fucking yo-yo.

I hate it when I get like this.

It's not even hump day...

2006-04-25T15:40:00.000-04:00

It’s 330pm and this day can’t end quickly enough.
People are bugging the shit out of me today but refuse to leave me alone.
The phone just keeps on ringing.
God forbid people keep track of their own shit.
I mean REALLY!
Anyone heard of responsibility?
Fuck.
I need a mental health day.
I manage to keep track of all my own shit.
I manage to do my job.
Why can’t anyone else?
Fuck.
When are my holidays again?
Oh yeah. They’re not even in site yet.
Am I being irritable?
Well.
Fuck.

Trip Envy

2006-04-24T09:24:00.000-04:00

I love the busy buzz and general air of excitement in airports. This morning as I dropped my folks off at the crack of dawn to set off on their grand adventure, I felt my own sense of excitement even though I was just destined to head back to the parking garage.

Oh to have the freedom and the money to be able to jet off on an exciting trip. Leaving normal life behind for a week or two would be wonderful. Today, although I am very happy for them, I find myself wishing that I had more to look forward to than the “free Estee Lauder gift pack with purchase” that I’m picking up on my way home this afternoon. Doesn’t really compare, you know?

I guess that I have a bad case of trip envy this morning. I wish that the window that I find myself gazing out of this morning was the window of an airplane as it speeds towards anywhere but here.

{And can I just say that Blogger was being a major pain in the ass today!?}

Therapy Thrills

2006-04-21T10:20:00.000-04:00

If you even get through this post, you’ll be surprised when I tell you that I’m having a pretty good day. A pretty good week for that matter. But I need to talk it out. I just need to write like nobody’s reading. (And believe me, I don’t expect anyone to read this drivel.)

Went to therapy this week. It was good. Talked about the girl at work who just got pregnant and how I can barely look at her. That makes me feel like shit. What kind of person am I anyway? Does she think I’m a bitch, I wonder? Or maybe she hasn’t even noticed my hesitancy? I wonder if she even knows how lucky she is? Probably not. How can you ever know how blessed you are unless you’ve had to work and suffer for something?
To her it’s a given. A Right. Natural and easy.

To me it’s a Fantasy. It’s come down to luck and treatments and money.

I rage against the injustice of this. Is she more deserving than I am? “Of course not!” That’s what you’re thinking. It’s not about “deserving,” it’s about biology. I get that, but it’s damn hard to believe that when failure becomes your middle name.

For the first time in this whole process I’ve actually realized that conceiving a child may indeed come down to the huge monetary gamble (plus the physical and emotional hardship) of IVF. I never really admitted or believed that this could ever go so far for me. You know what I mean? That whole “that won’t happen to me” mentality? That was me. I’m still rather shell shocked about it.

The stupid thing is? The insane part is? That if I DIDN’T want to have kids, I’d have to use birth control. There’s no detectable reason for what we’re going through. We’ve addressed my syndrome, I’m taking the drugs to increase my chances, and I’m doing everything in my power to make this happen. I’m at the desperate phase. The “I’ll try anything that anyone tells me to try” phase.

And it still won’t happen.

Recently, I read that infertile couples tend to try to prove their worthiness, their need, their desire. It’s true. I constantly find myself trying to prove how much I want this. But to who? The doctors? God? Myself? Who am I proving anything to?

Last night, after our obligatory ovulation sex that neither of us were all that interested in, I laid there with my hips elevated and my hand on my belly willing those sperm to find their way to my egg. We know that I’ve got eggs and we know that he’s got swimmers. If only I could provide the guided tour and light the way. “This way little sperm. Pick up the pace.” I sure feel like I’m doing everything short of that.

On tonight’s agenda? More ovulation sex. Ya-fucking-hoo. Can you tell how thrilled I am at the prospect?

Alright. Time to shut the hell up now and get on with the day.

Polka Dot ~ HNT

2006-04-20T08:43:00.000-04:00

So right now maybe you're saying
"What the hell....?"

Cupping.

"A partial vacuum is created in cups placed on the skin either by means of heat or suction."

The suctioning is quite strong which leaves these lovely hickey-like marks behind. (They don't hurt.)

The process is supposed to increase energy flow.

There's just not much that I won't try.

iPod Shuffle (Thanks Mel.)

2006-04-18T11:58:00.000-04:00

Yeah. I got nothing today so isn't it wonderful that Mel posted a nice little time waster for me to post? I don't usually do these things but I thought it looked like fun.

Put your music player on shuffle. Press forward for each question. Use the song title as the answer to the question. Post on your blog. Comment back if you post it on your site.

~Will I get far in life?
“Acrobat” by U2 (Whatever.)

~How do my friends see me?
“Bridge Over Troubled Water” remake by Johnny Cash (I hope so.)

~Where will I get married?
“Let Go” Frou Frou (Kind of a done deal.)

~What is my best friend’s theme song?
“Something’s Got a Hold On Me” by Etta James (I don’t know if I have ONE particular bestfriend. I’ll have to think about that.)

~What is the story of my life?
“In the Waiting Line” by Zero 7 (Holy shit. I listen to this song all the time cause I really do feel like I AM in a waiting line.)

~What was high school like?
“Dreamsome” by Shelby Lynne (Mostly it was dreamsome. I wouldn’t go back but I had a pretty good high school experience.)

~How can I get ahead in life?
“Dreaming My Dreams” by The Cranberries (That’s what I’m doing.)

~What is the best thing about me?
“Killing Me Softly With His Song” by The Fugees (hhhhhmmmmm….)

~How is today going to be?
“Cars” by Gary Numan (Car accident? Speeding Ticket?)

~What is in store for this weekend?
“One of These Things First” by Nick Drake (I could be Here and now I would be, I should be But how? ~ maybe that means that I should put my worry aside and just enjoy the weekend?)

~What song describes my parents?
“The Horizon Has Been Defeated” by Jack Johnson (okay….)

~My grandparents?
“Solitary Man” by Johnny Cash (well my grandpa was kinda solitary…)

~How is my life going?
“More Than This” by Roxy Music (Ha!!!!!)

~What song will they play at my funeral?
“It’s My Life” by Talk Talk (Love this song!! It’s perfect.)

~How does the world see me?
“Rescue Me” by Madonna (Does that mean y’all think I need rescuing?)

~Will I have a happy life?
“She Sells Sanctuary” by The Cult (well okay, doesn’t really answer the question does it?)

~What do my friends really think of me?
“Out of Reach” by Gabrielle (Oh. Well now, that just makes me feel badly but I guess it’s kinda true right now.)

~Do people secretly lust after me?
"Short Skirt, Long Jacket” by Cake (Okay. So only when I change my name from Kitty to Karen?)

~How can I make myself happy?
“SOS” by ABBA (That’s me! Sending out smoke signals!)

~What should I do with my life?
“The Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats (tee hee!)

~Will I ever have children?
“It’s Raining Men” by Geri Halliwell (Lots of boys?)

~What is some good advice?
“Better Together” by Jack Johnson (I guess that’s “good”.)

~What is my signature dancing song?
“When Doves Cry” by Prince (pffft. Couldn’t be something that’s easier to dance to. Noooooo it’s gotta be a hard one.)

~What do I think my current theme song is?
“Long Time Running” by The Tragically Hip (I can see that.)

~What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
“Clocks” by Coldplay (No they don’t.)

~What type of men/women do you like?
“Ice” by Sarah MacLachlan (Frigid? Cold? No way!)

Well that ended kinda abruptly. :) Anyway, it was fun and I only cheated once when an unnamed song came up in the rotation (Track One didn't seem appropriate).

Happy Tuesday.

just thinking out loud

2006-04-17T12:40:00.000-04:00

Funny how I never have much to say on Mondays. Quite often I don’t even post. I wonder why that is. Because Monday’s are busier? I have a weekend hangover? I’m too damn tired? Who knows?

Current song playing on my iPod is “I Believe” by Tears for Fears. I use the word believe a lot in my thoughts or when whispering to myself but I don’t often utter it out loud to others. Sometimes when Frenchie, or anyone else, tells me to be more positive about things, I am quite surprised. I am quite positive inside myself but I guess it’s harder to show that positivity to others. When you say things out loud they tend to take on shape and sometimes things with shape can hurt more deeply than those without.

I guess that might only make sense to me. But that’s okay.

As for things outside myself…

I don’t know where my beliefs lay anymore with regards to the strength of friendships, the solidity of family bonds, my wavering faith, karma, rights, privileges, love … lots of things. I often feel “let down” and I question more now than I ever did before.

Problem is that no matter how many questions I have, there never seems to be any answers. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places?

Happy Easter!

2006-04-16T12:36:00.000-04:00

Good {and Drunk} Friday

2006-04-15T12:22:00.000-04:00

I spent 12 hours outside yesterday. It was bliss. I slept in, had a leisurely breakfast and then headed outside to feel the warm sun on my skin. Then, what started out as a little visit with neighbours turned into an all day and all evening affair.

Fun.

I actually had fun from the time I woke up until the time I passed out.

I was so drunk last night that Frenchie had to fill me in on the fun and carefree sex we had. I can only remember snatches of it which is a damn shame because fun and carefree sex is far too infrequent these days. I had also completely forgotten about him holding me down and turning the hair dryer on my frozen bare skin. Apparently, after we got home, I was trying to warm up my cold behind on his warm stomach. I guess the evening had gotten chillier than we realized. :)

So what I know is this:

~I am still fun.
~I am not all seriousness and infertility.
~When I am drunk I am more than fun, I am a wild party.
~There are times (like when I get drunk, pass out and sleep in) that it's really nice to NOT have kids.
~This summer looks very promising in the fun department.
~I need to let loose more often.
~I have great friends who need the fun just as much as I do.

All that to say that I had a very Good Friday. A very good one indeed. My only regret is that I didn't do a drunk blog cause those are always a riot.

Fuck it Thursday ~ HNT

2006-04-13T09:11:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so today is not only Half Nekkid Thursday but it's also

"Fuck it Thursday".

(as SS would say... "I cuss. Get over it.")

Cause somedays ya just gotta say

"ahh fuck it all anyway..."
or
"fuck you, world"
or
"fuck this shit"

So there.

Look around.
You may find a few more people saying "fuck it" today.
:)

Call me Brooke

2006-04-12T10:36:00.000-04:00

I’m considering changing the name of my blog to:

She Won’t Shut Up

What do ya think?
:)

Long weekend almost here. Yahoo! I’m so looking forward to 3 days of sleeping in and relaxing and whatnot. We even have a party to go to on Saturday. But I find myself faced with a dreadful dilemma.

My eyebrows are a mess.

I know. I know. Just when you think I couldn’t get any crazier, I go and have a crisis about my eyebrows. But here’s the deal. I have eyebrows that are reminiscent of Brooke Shield’s younger days. I used to go for waxing every few weeks but my most favourite esthetician has left the business. Now my brows are in chaos. I reverted to plucking but damn it’s awfully hard to maintain the shape after too long.

So I went to get them waxed and the girl made me promise to let them grow out for 4 weeks and then come back for a proper shaping.

Well, I don’t know if it’s because of my raging hormones but my eyebrows grow at record speeds and the 4-week mark is not till next week (appt on Tuesday). So, I’m faced with the question: Can I really show up at a party with my eyebrows in this condition? Will everyone I talk to try to keep their eyes averted from the mutiny evident over my eyes? Will I be the subject of many after-party conversations: “Did you get a load of Flygirl’s eyebrows? What is up with that!?”

I am dying to pluck them. But then I would have endured 3 weeks of eyebrow embarrassment for nothing.

Okay. Shut up. Let me stew about my eyebrows for awhile instead of my fertility.

Fuck Luck

2006-04-11T11:22:00.000-04:00

I’ve got the words. They’re swirling around in my head. Problem is that they’re rather aimless in their swirling and I’m having trouble stringing them together into sentences. I am so thoroughly discouraged right now.

The doctors have come to the conclusion that there must be a further explanation for my infertility then they first guessed. Either that or I have bad luck.

Luck. How can the biggest issue in my life come down to luck? It’s so ridiculously frustrating that I can barely comprehend it. I’ve never been a lucky person. That’s not to say that I’m particularly UNlucky but luck has never played much of a role in my life. I don’t win things, I’m not fortunate at slot machines, and it took me a long time to be lucky in love. But then, I’ve never really had a streak of bad luck either.

So how? How can my infertility come down to bad luck? I cannot accept the fact that this is about luck. I just can’t. The arbitrary nature of what this means if it’s all about luck is enough to make me feel sick to my stomach. The fact that there’s nothing else I can do to put the odds in my favour makes me feel useless. And scared.

Now I’m faced with costly treatment options. It’s funny how a medical procedure that is “covered” is still going to end up costing me close to two grand. I do not have that type of money but somehow over the next couple of months, I’m going to have to come up with it.

So, I’ll continue to get stuck with pins. I’ll continue to have bruises on my back the size of oranges from “cupping”. I will continue to see a therapist to help me deal with all this shit. I will continue swallowing hormones that make me hard to live with. I will continue on the journey for safe lube and propping my hips up after sex. I will continue….

All in the name of Luck.

Clouds of Words

2006-04-08T00:25:00.000-04:00

A cool little tool that I've seen around in a couple of places today. It searches through your blog to find words often used then creates a "word cloud". Kinda fun. Get your own Word Cloud here.

F.F.

2006-04-07T14:43:00.000-04:00

I’m bored.
And nervous.
I’ve got an appointment today so my mind is there already and is rendering me incapable of writing.
But just so you know, Adventures in Acupuncture has been continued and I was stuck full of little silver pins last night as a consequence and
NO,
I did not go back to the crazy clinic with the little, insensitive man.
Couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Oh, and did I say, Yay for Fucking Friday?

Well I should have. Because Fucking Friday (or as Muse likes to call it: Buttfucking Friday) has been a looooooooong time coming this weekend.

Extended Blink ~ HNT

2006-04-06T06:24:00.000-04:00

Some times.... I just wanna close my eyes to shut out the day, the present, the clock, the problems, the solutions, the conversations, the static, the pain, the longing, the need, the suffering....

But if I did that ~ if I closed my eyes on all those things ~ I'd miss out on so much of the good stuff too. So when I close my eyes against the world, it's only temporary because, no matter what, life is worth living.

date with the past

2006-04-05T08:30:00.000-04:00

Funny how life goes. Frenchie and I are meeting up with an old friend of mine this evening. To be more specific, he’s more than an old friend, he’s an old boyfriend. Odd how this guy turns out to be one of the few people that I ever see from back home. Once a year he blows into town and we get together for dinner and drinks. Then he blows out of my life again until the next year.

At one time I was convinced this guy, we’ll call him Falcon, was the love of my life. He was magic for me. Made me feel so good, so special, and he did it without even really trying. We had love on an elevator and dancing and laughter and sparks galore. Unfortunately, because of extenuating circumstances and eventually distances too, we never were able to make a go of it.

For a long time he was the one that got away.

Then I met Frenchie and now I know better. Falcon will always be special to me but Frenchie is my soulmate. And now the three of us have a once a year date that we all enjoy. I can depend more on him and our once a year rendezvous than I can depend on friends (and I use that term loosely) that I’ve known since I was 5 years old.

Funny how life goes.

One way ticket to Crazyville

2006-04-04T13:35:00.000-04:00

You probably all think that I'm crazy. And I don't think you're too far from the truth. Most days I feel absolutely, positively certifiable. But today, I am almost sane. I am almost even. Tomorrow I might not be so I'd best enjoy today.

Got my hands dirty in the garden on the weekend. This is a view of my beloved crocuses. They make my heart soar.

I look forward to more nice weather so that I can get outside and keep myself busy. Part of why I lose my mind is probably because I am just not interested in doing anything. I just want to escape life and crawl inside the TV. Problem is, once I turn the damn thing off , I find that my life is still there and the shit still needs to be dealt with.

I gotta get a year-round hobby or something. Maybe I should take up knitting? Naw. Scratch that. I think that would just hasten my trip to Crazyville. I need to force myself to get out more. Must think of something.

Should

2006-04-03T09:52:00.000-04:00

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

~excerpt from Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone by W.H. Auden

Is it possible to “get used” to grief? Can it become so commonplace within a life that it is the only and natural way of things? Is it possible to move in continuous and spiraling patterns of grief and not lose yourself in it? How can a person experience loss and devastation over and over again and keep on functioning?

Shouldn’t the earth quit turning? The clocks pause? The music stop playing? Shouldn’t an audible sigh of commiseration be heard around the world? Shouldn’t the water levels rise from all the tears shed? Shouldn’t the sun try to hide its brightness behind the shelter of the clouds?

There should be free passes to get out of work, social engagements, phone calls and idiotic pleasantries. There should be free plane tickets to sob on the shoulder of a friend or sit on a porch quietly with one who understands. There should be a never-ending supply of inexpensive, soothing red wine. And chocolate should be calorie-free. Husbands should never have to travel out of town and mothers should sense the pain without a word offered.

There should be Pain Mediators that issue “Get out of pain free” cards. There should be a limit on grief and when it’s reached, the pain stops. There should be a way to turn things off and on at will and a quick escape to a better way. Well wishes and prayers should be enough and the desperate begging and pleading to no one in particular shouldn’t have to fall on deaf ears.

Too many shoulds.

The good fight

2006-03-31T10:58:00.000-05:00

3 or 4 months ago, I was in the staff-room at work and overheard a conversation. Seems that a girl that works here is trying to conceive and I flinched as I listened to ridiculous advice being offered to her by well-meaning, but completely stupid, coworkers. A little while later, I took her into my confidence and told her that we were trying too but were experiencing fertility problems and that this has made me somewhat of an expert on trying to conceive. I recommended books and products and every once in a while she would bounce questions off me about charting her cycles.

Imagine my shock when she pulled me aside earlier this week and told me that she had ovulated 20 days ago and still hadn’t got her period. “Do you think it’s just that my hormones are out of whack?” she asked. I could scarcely believe my ears. I told her I thought she was pregnant and that I couldn’t believe she hadn’t tested yet.

It turns out I was right. She’s pregnant. I think very highly of this girl. She’s sweet and kind and will make a wonderful mother. And while I’m not angry at her, you can bet your life that I am angry at …. something. She has been trying to conceive for as long as I’ve been on Clomid ~ which is 3 months. She wasn't even married yet at the point when I started trying.

It makes my stomach turn. It makes me want to scream. It makes me hurt. At this point it’s hard for me to even take natural conception seriously. To me, it seems like a fantasy that some, lucky people get to live. I cannot fathom it.

The worst moment for me? After I congratulated her and swore not to tell a soul, she turned to leave my office. As she did, she looked over her shoulder at me and smiled this smile of pure happiness. “This is sooooo exciting!” she exclaimed. Then she was gone and I was left feeling like I had been stabbed in the heart.

It was her joy and her excitement that pierced my soul. I thought about how much I want to feel that. I thought about how much I fantasize about how I would tell Frenchie we were pregnant. I thought about the excitement of telling first time grandparents the news. I thought of baby rooms and clothes and little tiny shoes and my soul knew anguish it had not previously known.

Somehow I managed to get through the day and each day since has been slightly better. I think that I have made my peace with it as best I can. I guess that’s all I can hope for at this point. I’m trying so hard to remain positive for this cycle but this punch in the gut has made it so difficult. Must concentrate on fighting the good fight and that’s what I’m trying to do.

Less Than Perfect ~ HNT

2006-03-30T08:01:00.000-05:00

My back.
My less than perfect back.
I'm not skinny.
I've got lots of curves and they're not all good ones.
I've got scars and love handles and blemishes.
But I'm about as real as you could get.
And I guess that's okay.

I'm a hazard to myself

2006-03-28T16:17:00.000-05:00

"Too bad we can't make up our

hearts like we can our minds."

So said a friend of mine this morning.

Well damn but those words hit home with me. Cause you can be damned sure that my heart is often at war with my mind. What my mind might know to be true, my heart cannot quite accept.

How do I make my heart listen? How do I make it stop hurling accusations and telling me things I can’t bear to hear? How do I tell it that it doesn’t make any sense? How do I let reason win out over blame? How can my mind tell my lips to smile when all I want to do is scream?

The truth is that I am ruled by my heart and there’s just nothing I can do about it. My heart’s pain doesn’t go away just because my mind tells me that’s what’s good for me. Part of me likes to be ruled by my heart. I’m passionate. I’m fiery. I have crazy highs and lows. Sometimes I’m glad to be a woman of extremes. Sometimes making no sense is what makes the most sense to me.

But damn it all to hell, it can be painful.

Achey Breaky Head

2006-03-24T09:29:00.000-05:00

I am blessed with a throbbing headache this morning. Lucky me. It started as a dull ache this morning but has escalated to a strong throb now. Yay.

As my head pounds these are the things I find myself thinking about:

~ I have imported all of my blogger posts into Wordpress. I’m thinking that I’ll officially make my move next week (although some of you have already found me!). For now I’m on a free account but I think between my 3 techy wordpress friends I’ll eventually get my own domain so that I can tweak until my heart’s content. (You know, since I talked about Wordpress last week, 3 of my blog friends have made the move.)

~My daffodils and crocuses have started to sprout. I looked at the yard yesterday and it’s in shambles from the winter but there were all these little fresh green shoots that made my heart soar.

~I was all set to plan my vacation this summer. Frenchie and I were planning on visiting Corcord, NH and Boston, Mass. in June or July. I was just about to get back to my hosts with some possible dates when I realized that I couldn’t plan that far ahead. (see next point)

~In the next few months, there is a very good chance that I could be going through IUI. This, of course, could be very positive (or it could be a complete bust) but means that I can’t plan anything since I don’t know exactly when it will start and once it does, I will be at the beck and call of my clinic for bloodtests and ultrasounds and the like. Not too mention that the cost of the procedure would really cramp our vacation-style anyway. I am incredibly bummed out about our vacation plans going up in smoke and haven’t even told Frenchie about it yet.

~I’m hosting a “girl’s night” tonight. I’m kicking Frenchie out and having 2 girlfriends in for cheese fondue, chocolate. I’m really looking forward to it. Now, I’m just hoping that my fondues turn out as I’ve only ever made them one other time in my life. I’m not really known for my cooking skills….

~I am so thoroughly impressed by the community of IF women bloggers that I have found. I have to admit that I was pretty reticent about reaching out any further than I already had. I didn’t even know if I could handle reading about others’ experiences. But I tentatively visited a couple and am grateful that I did. What a marvellous and welcoming little circle I have tapped into.

And that is about all my aching head will allow me.

Adventures in Acupuncture

2006-03-23T13:44:00.000-05:00

Well, between a busy work schedule, a busy social schedule and our network being down for a couple of days, I didn’t manage to pull an HNT off today. Sue me.

So, anyway, I went today for an acupuncture consultation with this “world-renowned” acupuncture doctor guy that just happens live in my city. He’s known as the “baby making man” for his achievements with infertility. He’s so busy that he doesn’t even advertise. I use the term “advertise” loosely as he doesn’t even put a sign in front of his office, which, is a converted house.

Well, once I walked in the door, I could see why he didn’t need a sign. It was wall-to-wall people. I had no idea what to do or where to go so I just joined the long line of people. There’s no check-in desk, no attendants in view. Nothing. Luckily the woman next to me in line was kind enough to answer some questions for me and let someone know that I was there for my consultation.

So I looked around for a bit and was slightly uncomfortable to see many people in various stages of their treatment and in various stages of undress. It would seem that every one wears shorts, track pants, or pajamas underneath their clothes so that they can just strip off their top layer and be free for treatment. WTF? I mean seriously! As I watched, one woman rolled off her cot in satiny pajama type things and pulled on her street clothes over top of them.

Anyway, an attendant eventually shows up and herds most of the growing line-up down to the basement where there are more beds. After waiting a few more minutes the doctor beckons me over. So, I take off my shoes (as per the no shoes rule) and follow him to an area that has 4 beds with 4 people in them. Lovely. He directs me to a seat and proceeds to stick needles in some girl’s back. In between needles, he turns to me and asks “so why are you here? For your back?” I longed to say yes but I didn’t. “Um… no… I’m here because of my infertility.” Then, just in case the 4 people in the beds on either side of me missed it, or maybe just in case the 6 people behind me didn’t hear it, he reiterated, “What? You wanna have a baby?” At this point I had no words so I just nodded and he launched into a series of questions about birth control and other things. I’m thinking: You’ve got to be kidding me!

His first piece of advice to me was to take out my nose ring. Um, okay, whatever. Then he hands me a post-it note with scribbles on it. “Take this to your doctor and get these x-rays done on your back then come back for another consultation. Once I see them I’ll make it so that you have good strong baby.” I have to admit, at this point I was positively stupefied.

So, some of my issues for starters:

~ The X-ray issue: I need to hand a post-it note to my doctor and demand xrays. On film mind you! Don’t bring a CD because he has no computer.

~The Work issue: I would have to figure out a way to get the time off work to go for any sort of treatment plan because they don’t run on appointments. You show up, you wait your turn.

~The clothing issue: Hello? I have to work. How am I going to wear shorts or pajamas underneath my work clothes?

~The humiliation issue: Can I get past the fact that I was forced to discuss (and would be forced again) the issue that grieves and hurts me the most, in front of complete strangers?

~The Quack issue: Can I trust who referred me to this man? My head is saying, “this is fucking crazy!” I just can’t understand how such a mortifying experience can help alleviate the stress in my life.

Does anyone have any helpful advice for me on these issues? I hate to stonewall something or somebody that has a great reputation. My therapist has recommended acupuncture to me on numerous occasions. I’ve read about all the benefits. I know people that swear by it. But I don’t know if I can subject myself to going back there.

Are all acupuncture places like this?

Fuck a duck.

What a day.

Secret Smile

2006-03-22T10:32:00.000-05:00

As I was driving down the street the other day, a pedestrian caught my eye. It wasn’t because she was young and pretty. It wasn’t because she had gorgeous hair that was being wildly blown around by the wind. It was her expression. My eyes roamed over her and then quickly back again.

She was sauntering along like she was in no hurry. Her eyes were far away and her lips were graced with a small, secret smile. As she disappeared in my rearview mirror, her image stayed with me for the rest of my commute.

What was she smiling about anyway and how long has it been since I’ve worn my own secret smile? It’s a good feeling to wear that secret smile. One that we’re not graced with often enough. Did she land a new job? Did the guy she likes leave her a voice mail? Did a friend text her with good news?

How long has it been since you wore a secret smile? A smile that told passersby that you were thinking about something delicious or that you had good news or that your prayers had been answered? A smile that told onlookers that you have great news that’s still all your own and although you’re excited to share it, you’re content to keep it to yourself for just a little while longer.

For me, it’s been a while. I remember once, wearing that secret smile for an 8 hour car ride. I remember another time, trying to hide my smile from my coworkers after my future husband called and asked me for a date. I’ve worn that secret smile over juicy emails and surprises and diamond rings and first kisses and great sex and secrets shared. I’m wistful for a secret smile. And I hope that mystery girl is still smiling.

A watched pot never boils.

2006-03-21T10:15:00.000-05:00

That’s me. I’m the watched pot. I feel like I’m being monitored, if you will.

~If I’m out and don’t have a drink people wonder (and sometimes even ask) if I’m pregnant.

~If I don’t put in a coffee order I feel like it’s being noted and wondered at.

~If I say I have good news, many assume that I’m going to tell them I pregnant.

~If I have to go for tests (especially ultrasounds), sometimes people get this ‘knowing’ look in their eyes.

~Flygirl’s off sick today? Could it be morning sickness?

~God forbid I put on a few pounds cause then the rumours will start flying around work.

Maybe it’s because I feel like the lone pot out of many that’s not boiling. Every where I look someone is pregnant. Put me in the room with a pregnant woman or a brand new Mom and all eyes (complete with raised eyebrows) turn to me as if on cue.

Maybe I’m being a little paranoid but I do essentially feel like that proverbial watched pot. I wonder what will happen if and when I ever do get pregnant. Will every one I know or kinda know breathe a collective sigh of relief? Will I then be subjected to the “Well finally!” type of comments and questions like “What took you so long?”

Probably. I guess it’s always something right?

Until then, I guess I’ll feel like the phone that’s not ringing, the empty mailbox, the song you’re waiting for them to play and the still, unmoving water in the pot. The heat is on, a dash of salt’s been added and the lid is balanced just so. I just wish it didn’t feel like my burner was broken.

Pigtails make me feel sassy

2006-03-20T09:00:00.000-05:00

Well, it’s the first day of Spring and I’m wearing pigtails. (Yep! Pigtails!)

How’s that for starting the week off right? I mean, if it’s gotta be Monday, it may as well be the first day of Spring and I may as well wear pigtails. Right? Not that it looks like Spring. Still looks suspiciously like Winter in these parts. But it’s coming. I know it is. I saw a whole flock of robins in my backyard this weekend.

So, yeah, Blogger was being a real bitch to me this weekend. I guess it affected other people too but I sure felt alone in my banishment. Shadowbox says it’s time to leave Blogger behind and move on to Wordpress. I dunno. I’m still of 2 minds about it. I really do love my little home here. My pictures, my customizations … they make it mine. After taking a look around Wordpress, I’m fairly sure that I cannot make such changes unless I’m running it off my own host ~ which I wouldn’t be. But…. the security and stability of Wordpress sure do sound appealing right now.

But anyway…. if I did leave … would you follow?

I’m wearing high-heeled boots with jeans today and that, paired with my pigtails, is making me feel sassy. Fuck, I don’t remember the last time I felt sassy. There was a time when I wore short skirts, see through tops and high heels more than I wore comfy clothes. Not so much anymore. Guess that could contribute to my feeling old and dowdy these days.

I want to sparkle again. It’s been so damn long since I sparkled.

Maybe my sparkle will return with Spring.

2006-03-18T15:49:00.000-05:00

I hate blogger right now.

What the $#%# is going on?

2006-03-17T11:07:00.000-05:00

Blogger ate my blog.

If it wasn't a free service I'd be hopping mad. But I guess I can't be can I?

Funny how I had nothing to say all week then this morning when I was all ready to post, I couldn't.

Ain't that the way huh?

Luck o the Irish ~ HNT

2006-03-16T08:25:00.000-05:00

Well I considered sitting this week out but here I am anyway. :)
Things are better.
Will update soon, if not later today.
Happy early St. Patrick's Day! I'm looking forward to seeing some nekkid Irish today!

Still

2006-03-13T09:19:00.000-05:00

To state the obvious, I can’t seem to write these days. To write is to focus. To focus is to possibly lose my mind.

I have all these emotions piled up just around the next corner of my thoughts. I’m afraid to turn that corner so I’m just being still. I have this crazy notion that if I don’t make any sudden movements ~ if I don’t draw attention to myself ~ then they won’t get me.

I can sense all these feelings, like I’m outside myself. Every once in a while I glimpse what I’m avoiding and it scares the fuck outta me. So my thoughts flit around rarely landing on any one thing for long. Because no matter what I think about, if I stay there too long, it eventually leads me back to the same place.

And it doesn’t really matter does it? Whether I dwell or avoid, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m here in this place. And since I have to function… since I have to work…. since I have to pay my bills and run my house… since I don’t have the luxury of shutting down… I guess this is the best course of action (or lack thereof) for right now.

So I might be still for a while yet. Or maybe just for today. Who knows? I’m just waiting for it to pass.

In Search ... ~ HNT

2006-03-09T07:47:00.000-05:00

....of my smile....

I know it's out there somewhere
and
I'm gonna find it.

{ fd's Flickr Toys Rocks! }

Delayed Reaction

2006-03-07T20:36:00.000-05:00

Lotsa stuff rocketing 'round in my head these days. Thing is? None of it's doing me an ounce of good.

I wish I could make it stop. Turn off some of my feelings while keeping others. I have anger but no where to direct it. I have sadness that no one can make better. I have frustration that won't go away. I have resentment for no one and everyone.

I have questions that cannot be answered but I cannot seem to stop myself from asking them anyway. It's driving me crazy. I wish my mind had an on/off switch. I don't want to think. I don't want to focus. I can't. I'm afraid to.

One minute I want to curl up in my bed and not get leave it for days. The next I want to go out onto the street and just howl. I'm restless. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I don't know where to go next or exactly when to do it.

My therapist wants me to do things that make me feel good or happy.

I can't, for the life of me, figure out what those things might be.

My Sunday

2006-03-05T15:03:00.000-05:00

The numbness of the morning
turns to overwhelming sadness
in the space of a song.

I close my eyes on one emotion
and open them on another.

And I grieve for what never was.

Woman in Chains ~ HNT

2006-03-02T07:25:00.000-05:00

Seemed fitting today.

The title is especially for Kelli. :)

Empty Arms

2006-03-01T08:53:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when I’m feeling down, you can’t shut me up.
Other times, I just don’t have anything to say.
And still others, I want to hide.

Lately, I just want to hide.
I’ve just been feeling so beaten down by infertility these days.
It’s really kicking the shit out of me.
(Rest assured though, that I’m working on not letting it get the best of me.)

I’ve stopped writing about it so much.
Not because I don’t need to talk about it still.
But because I don’t want it to rule my life.
Or this blog.
I don’t want to seem like that’s all I am about.

As if talking about it ~ or not ~ could change that.
Whether I talk about it or not,
you can put money on the fact that I’m thinking about it.
You think that maybe it crosses my mind once or twice a day?
Wrong.
There is not a moment that goes by that it doesn’t cross my mind.

A dear one told me yesterday that I am not defined by my infertility.
I agree.
In theory.
Because…
I can agree all I want but the fact is that right now, it does run my life.
Right now
Right this moment
I AM my infertility.
It defines me as a woman and a person.
It’s changed my friendships, my marriage, my sex life and the way I live my life.
I don’t care if you agree.
In fact, you shouldn’t agree.
But it’s how I feel nonetheless.
(I know Becky ... I'm working on it. I promise.)

I’m tired of the platitudes.
Maybe that’s why I don’t talk about it so much.
It’s hard for me to hear
…that I should just relax
(ya, right. You try relaxing in this situation.)
…that I should put it in God’s hands
(what are you saying? That God doesn’t want me to have a child?)
…that it’ll happen if it’s meant to happen
(my personal favourite. I guess it’s meant to happen to those people that kill or throw away their babies then right?)
…how easy it was for you to get pregnant
(why not just stab me right in the heart?)

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the sentiment.
I know there is no malice behind the words.
But that just doesn’t make it any easier, you know?
I’ve often thought to myself that I should write a book.
I could write many books actually.
But one of them would be a handbook for those who know someone dealing with infertility.

Anyway, if you made it this far….
I received this link yesterday.

Empty Arms

I immediately emailed the author and asked for permission to use it.
If you have time, maybe you could take a couple minutes to look at it?
It’s really well made and speaks directly to my heart.
It’s about to undergo some changes and when it does, I’ll update the link.
But in the meantime have a look, kay?
Maybe it’ll shed some light on how it feels to struggle with infertility.
Because I sure hope you never know firsthand.

Leavin' it at that

2006-02-27T10:06:00.000-05:00

My weekend away was great. .
Fantastic even.
I enjoyed, I partied, and I talked and I laughed.

[edit]

Yeah.
I'm just gonna leave it at that.
Cause today isn't the best of days for me.

Reality bites.

much needed

2006-02-24T09:08:00.000-05:00

Well I don’t have much to say today and not much time to write either. But geez, I just gotta move that HNT down in time for the weekend.

Our planned roadtrip this weekend is literally just what the doctor ordered. We leave this afternoon and will visit my sister and her girlfriend this evening and then meet up with 2 of my nearest and dearest of friends’ (and their other halves) tomorrow morning.

I’ve got a cooler full of booze and some money in my wallet. I’ve got my high-heeled boots and some sexy underwear. We’re going to do it up right this weekend and put all of our troubles and stresses aside for a couple of days.

Fuck. I need this weekend something fierce.

May you, too, be able to put your troubles aside for the weekend.

Kisses!

Bent ~ HNT

2006-02-23T07:14:00.000-05:00

ready
waiting
anticipating

wanna
spank me?
or
fuck me?

it's up to you
cause
I
just
can't
decide

Mantra

2006-02-22T10:53:00.000-05:00

So I guess you might be wondering what the post below is all about. You weren’t necessarily supposed to “get it” or know where it came from. I posted that for myself and for Becky. Cause she knows.

I didn’t intend to write about it. Those 4 words are mine. I whisper them to myself over and over again. Cause I do, you know. I do believe in miracles. I believe in a higher power. I believe in all sorts of things but sometimes I just have to remind myself that I believe in them.

Sometimes it’s only the whispered words that get me through the darkness. Sometimes it’s only the whispered words that accompany silent tears. I’m trying to put myself in the hands of the universe. I’m trying to let go. I’m trying to believe.

Sometimes believing is half the battle.

For Becky...

2006-02-21T21:13:00.000-05:00

Connections

2006-02-21T13:48:00.000-05:00

So this morning I was thinking of an old friend that I met through my old blog. She doesn’t blog much anymore and I haven’t talked to her in ages but there I was thinking about her all the same.

I was considering writing to her to ask her to Reiki me. (Cause you see, right now, I can use all the prayers and good thoughts that you can afford to throw at me….) But I thought better of it. She’s had a rough go of it lately and didn’t think she’d appreciate my emailing her out of the blue to ask her for something.

But there’s a higher power at work here. Within 20-30 minutes of my thoughts touching on her, I received an email from her. Just “checking in” to see how I was doing. She’s reiki-ing me as we speak and we even have tentative plans to meet up soon! We’ve never met each other in person but we only live a few hours apart so the plans are in the works.

I love it when the universe shows me that there are other forces at work and when connections are so strong that you can almost see them. It just makes me feel better about things.

Beware: long and rambly post not worth reading ahead

2006-02-19T11:28:00.000-05:00

A few points....

As I sit here listening to my iPod on my new speaker system [I am very excited about them] that I got for a Valentine's Day present I realize that I am past due to post. I've been feeling the absence of blogger keenly but

a) I have so much work these days that I have no time
b) I am doing so much work that I have nothing to write about

But I sit here this morning reading blogs. The paper is still spread out in front of me. The arts&books section is unopened because I feel a call to blogland. It's all good though. After this week, I think that I can return to regularly scheduled programming because

a) The hard part of work is done.
b) I am halfway through the easy part of the process which is adding my signature to hundreds of tax letters.

Aside:

Frenchie is on the phone downstairs. He's talking to his mother. Here's the thing about french phone conversations when you can't understand the language.

a) they are conducted at a louder than necessary volume
b) it sounds like they are really angry at each other

It took me a couple of years to stop asking him what was wrong when he gets off the phone. Because usually nothing is wrong. They aren't arguing ~ it just sounds like it.

One reason that I've been busting my ass so much these past couple of weeks is because I don't want any work hanging over my head for next weekend. Perhaps it was stupid of me to make plans on the last weekend of February but I did it anyway.

Next Friday, Frenchie and I are heading to Toronto to meet up with some of my friends from back home. I'm really looking forward to it 'cause I just don't see them much anymore. Toronto is the logical place to meet up because

a) I am about 3.5 hours east of Toronto (but only about 2 hours away from Montreal).
b) my hometown is about 3.5 hours west of Toronto (which is only about an hour away from Detroit).

I often talk about my location in terms of bigger cities because I figure most of my readers have at least a general understanding of where these places are. You'll notice I never talk about Vancouver because I am really fucking far away from there. :)

Speaking of Montreal. We have a trip coming up. Ya. You know how excited I am about that. This trip, though, isn't to see the Evil In-laws. This one is to see Frenchie's bestfriends and to celebrate his godson's first birthday. Normally, I would maybe even look forward to a trip like this because aside from the occasional awkward moment, I do, for the most part, like his friends. But here's the thing

a) there will be hordes of frenchspeaking only people in this small house to celebrate the birthday
b) I will have no where to go to hide out. We will be camping out on a air mattress in the living room so that means that we don't even have a guest room for me to huddle in

So I'm considering not going. As far as everyone knows, I will be there but as I have told Frenchie, I am considering a last minute "illness". He seems to be okay with that. But. Is that a copout? Should I just go and contentedly sit in a corner by myself the whole time while everyone laughs and visits all around me?

These are the questions that currently plague me.

And with that I'm off to sign shitloads of letters.

HNTless

2006-02-16T08:04:00.000-05:00

Well today is the first Thursday in a damn long time that I find myself not being half nekkid with the rest of you. I am swamped. No time to take any new pics. :(

I have not had a chance to do much blogreading either but hopefully will remedy that soon. I'm working overtime this week so that I don't have to go in and work extra this weekend.

Cause, let's face it, nothing sucks more than having to work on the weekend. I avoid it at all costs.

Okay. I'm going back to work hell now.

I miss you.

Happy ♥ Day!

2006-02-14T21:52:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so I don't usually go in for Valentine's Day.
But this year I'm feeling sappy.
I wanna make it special for my boy.
Cause you know, ever since we've been together, I've always said "let's not bother with Valentine's Day this year, kay?"
And who am I to do that?
No. The Day itself doesn't mean much to me.
But he sure does.

This past year has been anything but a bowl of cherries.
But it has taught me something.
I am blessed
Blessed with Frenchie.
He's the best husband a girl could ask for.
The best.

So today I shall show him.
I'm gonna cook him dinner.
I'm gonna give him a really nice present.
I'm gonna wear some Valentine's Day panties.

We're aiming for a good day.
The best.

Field Trip

2006-02-13T11:21:00.000-05:00

Well let’s just say that I sure wish I had more money, cause if I did I’d have to have more than just a boot box under my bed. (Why must sex toys be so expensive?)

Frenchie and I had fun at the sex shop. We lingered together and separately. We pointed, giggled and did a little whispering. We wandered through the video section and were of course fascinated and amused by the various names and covers. It’s interesting to see what turns you on as you wander through a sex shop. It can be a real learning experience.

Anyone know of any great sex toys for men that we can use as a couple? Frenchie pointed out to me that the items for male pleasure are pretty limited. I put lots of my wish list though but only purchased a couple of small things. One such item purchased was one of these.

I tried them out yesterday. Didn’t even tell Frenchie. I’m unsure as to how I feel about the overall effect or lack thereof. I’ll have to try them out a few times to see if they do much for me. But can I admit to something? While I was….inserting the balls, I felt soooo naughty. This feeling of absolute sexiness stole over me in the space of an instant. I don't know where it came from. I'm no stranger to sex toys but there was just something about these. It was delectable to have such a sexy secret nestled between my legs. Fantasies were running rampant through my head.

The experience was so delectable in fact that I had to throw myself on the bed and have myself right there and then.

And then I had to have myself again before the day was out.

All in all it was a good day. :)

Let's Talk About ...

2006-02-10T10:50:00.000-05:00

The proverbial shit hit the proverbial fan yesterday. Today, I’m still finding pieces of it around. So that means I didn’t make it ‘round to too many HNT posts. Maybe I’ll have a chance to catch up on the weekend.

Have I ever been gladder that it’s Friday? Probably so, but this one’s right up there. It’s fucking freezing here. But with the chill we have been blessed with the sun and blue skies. It’s so nice, in fact, that I didn’t mind the 2 minute walk to Tim Horton’s this morning ‘cause even though my ears were frozen, it just did my heart good.

Now my coffee’s empty and I sure could use another one…..

Anyway! I have secret plans this weekend. I want to take Frenchie and hit the Adult Fun Superstore. We are long overdue for a sex shop visit. Can’t remember the last time we went to one. For the last year functional sex has been far more prevalent than fun sex and that’s just gotta stop!!! Functional sex is no fun eh? When you gotta do it even though you really don’t feel like it, well, it makes it difficult. Let’s just put it this way: many couples experiencing infertility lose interest in sex and only do it when they have to. If the infertility issue can only be fixed through IUI, IVF or other no-contact-necessary solutions, sex can disappear all together. It’s the sad truth but it happens without you even realizing it.

I know that there are those of you reading this that are thinking “pfft. Whatever. Functional sex is better than no sex.” Well, I beg to differ and hopefully you'll never know about it firsthand. I’ve been through “no sex phases” and this is worse. I would rather have no sex than have to deal with the pressure, stress, helplessness and frustration of “uselessly trying so hard to get pregnant sex”. There have been times when I’ve cried through the whole thing and other’s when I’ve been reduced to a sobbing mess afterwards. How’s that for fun?

Not so much.

One last note: My feet have been featured on Feetman78’s post today. I feel honoured to be included in his foot round up. :) Go check it out if you get a chance.

Artsy Toes ~ HNT

2006-02-09T07:22:00.000-05:00

Frenchie painted my toes the other night.
He's so damn cute.
Ever have a man do your toes for you?
There's nothing like it.
What takes me five minutes?
Takes him a good half hour.
He takes such care.
Bitches about the size of the brush because he wants to paint detail.
But he really enjoys doing it.
And I enjoy him doing it.

In the end, of course, it's a masterpiece.
At least, according to me it is.
But even more importantly it gives me this complete sense of intimacy.
I'm working really hard at rediscovering "us".
And it's little things like him doing my nails that makes me feel like we're doing just that.

Like the finished product?
Notice the little gold triangles on each toe?
How fun is that?

He was asking for green and yellow and orange.
Sounds like a nail polish nightmare doesn't it?
But I'm gonna go out and see what I can find.
'Cause damn, it's fun.

There she goes

2006-02-08T11:10:00.000-05:00

Last night as I lay deep under the covers.
Head sunk in pillows.
Gravitating to the warmth of my husband’s body.
I dreamed.

A beautiful woman.
Beautiful inside and out.
We were already friends.
And fell into a comfortable way with each other.

In my dream she introduced me to man that wasn’t nearly good enough for her.
And she saw the truth in my eyes.
She leaned over to hug me.
And as she did, she nuzzled my neck.
There, basking in the dreamy sunlight of her backyard.
I swear I could actually feel her warm breath under my hair.

Heat spread through my body.
Velvet lips.
Soft sighs.
Hearts pounding.
Eyes closed.
Caught up in the moment.

It was really lovely.
Then
my alarm clocked burst though my dream’s haziness.
An unwelcome intrusion.
I didn’t want it to end.
But it did.

Bite the bullet

2006-02-07T22:38:00.000-05:00

My hurt brewed quietly for a few months.
Sightings and brief stopovers gave me the occasional hope.
To no avail.

So I started to forget.
To fill that place in my heart.
But then today I was reminded.
Not just reminded.
But validated.

Fuck.
Validation is a powerful thing.
I spent months being quiet.
Not knowing.
Wondering.
Not wanting to appear small...petty....paranoid.

But then ... a whisper.
With relief, I spilled myself.
And it all came back.
Hurt?
A little anger?
Possibly a touch of resentment?

But
POOF
it's all gone again.
Because the question was asked and answered.
It's been made right.

So I ask myself
Why the fuck didn't I say something sooner?

Holding on

2006-02-07T09:22:00.000-05:00

I am in the process of picking myself up.
And dusting myself off.
Lucky for me, I’ve got wonderful friends to help dust off the hard to reach places.
So it’s onwards and upwards.

The weekend was rough.
Okay.
It was rougher than rough.
And we ALL know that Mondays suck.
But today can’t be anything other than a good day.
Cause today is Edge’s birthday.
(I don’t think he’ll mind me sharing that….)
So we should all celebrate.
Because is there any other like him?
So Happy Winding Crooked Birthday Edgebaby!

I think that I need to have cocktails.
Lots of em.
My girlfriend thinks I need to go shopping.
Emotional spending she calls it.
She says that you can’t even feel guilty right now because every where you go there are great sales.
I’m not really a girly shopper.
Meaning that although I enjoy shopping and spending money, I am usually a solitary shopper.
Shopping in groups is just not my thing.
But, I am bowing to her wisdom in this matter and going shopping.

If nothing else, I can at least find Frenchie a little something for Valentine’s Day. We usually limit Valetine’s Day to cards or something very little.
Because I am really not a fan of the Valentine’s Day thing.
I think it’s kinda tacky actually.
But this year is different.
I want to do something nice for him.
This year, I want him to do something nice for me.
Cause I could use something nice.
And I think he could too.

Well this post has been a bit rambly hasn’t it?
Best to stop now before I get outta control.

2006-02-04T09:41:00.000-05:00

Everytime
I have to put
my broken heart
back together again,
I find
that another small piece
of it has gone
missing.

Just a quickie for now....

2006-02-03T09:01:00.000-05:00

First, it should be noted that the post below is an Original Rick Post. I gave him the keys a long time ago and take comfort in the fact that he still slips in here every once in a while.

Second, I have a funeral to go to this morning. It's raining and yucky and I don't want to go. But I'll go. I can't not go.

I'll try to write this afternoon but if not, have a good weekend all.

through the windshield, 2nd part

2006-02-02T23:09:00.000-05:00

thank you edge... sometimes i forget why i love to write. the first sentence in your last post reminded me with a slap that stung my writing clit.

------------- ---------------- ------------------

the truck had stopped long ago. his hands still rusty from the decaying pipes, gripped the wheel like his four year old holds his hand when the bigger, louder kids were around. the back door was closed, well... the screen door. the wooden door the kept the bad things out was open. he knew that she wouldn't notice... he knew that through the screen door was his old life that somehow he was still living. he did it for the kids, which is what kept him in the driveway. mostly.

he held the empty bottle of green tea to the lite, wishing that the antioxidant power that the plastic bottle once housed could fix the sinking feeling of losing the love that she lost a long time ago. he rolled the window down, and smelled the cat piss from the cats next door. his eyes fell on the ditch that held too much trash for his suburban home, and too many leaves for late winter. the exterior of his home matched the interior of his home. out of season.

his truck was parked. in the driveway. of his own home. and the wind was cold. and the cigarettes potent. and the dirt and raindrops made it hard for him to see her. looking out through the blinds. hoping that he would come home happy tonite.

Passion ~ HNT

2006-02-02T08:09:00.000-05:00

My Frenchie and Me.
In a passionate moment.
We don't have enough of those these days.
Funny how, before you know it, life gets in the way.
Here's to rediscovery.

Laid So Low

2006-02-01T09:16:00.000-05:00

Despite my blustery post yesterday morning, January got its last digs in and persevered until it successfully kicked the crap out of me. I spent a good part of the day feeling invisible and the other part of the day wishing I were invisible so as to hide my tear stained face.

In a nutshell:
A friend of mine died.
and
The emotional rollercoaster that I’m strapped into went through a serious set of loops.
and
Frenchie is away and it just made me feel all the more alone on a very bad day.

I got up today prepared to call in sick but I didn’t. I may need that sick day tomorrow. Or the next day. Funny how the mind rationalizes things. I woke up and took stock of the situation and felt solid enough to come to work today. Even though I knew I could use the day off after my emotionally exhausting day yesterday I made my way to work because I know damn well that I may not feel solid enough tomorrow.

But, for now, I’ve managed to put the Low off until tomorrow at least.

Good Riddance

2006-01-31T08:54:00.000-05:00

Dear January,

I could pretend to be sad to see you go but I won’t. Instead, I heartily raise my middle fingers in your direction. Instead, I will present my ample derriere and firmly say, “Bite my ass, January!” You did not get the best of me despite everything you threw at me.

Your short days, your long nights, your blowing snow and freezing rain. Ha! Is that all you got? Nice try but I decided early on that you weren’t getting the best of me this year. You are a month unparalleled in your beastliness. You are a bitch. You are an asshole. You are the cruelest of cruel.

But I saw you through. It wasn’t always easy. Your darkness has a call that’s compelling and persuasive. Somedays it was so bloody hard not to fall under your grey and depressing spell. Even today, shrouded in your dense fog, bad news shines like a beacon beckoning me closer but I will not let you get me January. I’ve seen you through, and now February will be a snap. It’s only 28 days long and the days are already perceptibly longer. I can do this! I can get through this winter!

So long January and don’t let the door hit ya on the way out eh?

Sincerely,
Flygirl

Behind the Wheel

2006-01-30T10:13:00.000-05:00

How does one relinquish control? My therapist says that the inner control freak in me has taken over my personality because I’m dealing with something that is so completely out of my control that subconsciously I’m trying to control everything else in my life.

In spite of being in control of absolutely everything in my life from groceries to sex to finances to the remote control, inside I feel like I’m still in chaos. When I first started working with doctors for my fertility problems I remember sitting in the chair pleading desperately with him to tell me something (Anything!) that I could do.

There was nothing. Nothing.

“You’re doing everything right, Fly” he would say. “There’s just nothing else you can possibly do right now.”

I would rhyme off stuff that I had read about. What about this? Or that? But he would just shake his head and give me a pitying look. (Doctors don’t put much stock in anything you may have learned on your own. Ever notice that?)

“There’s nothing. Try sharing a cheap bottle of wine before you get romantic. It’ll help you relax. That’s how my wife and I conceived.”

A cheap bottle of wine? Are you fucking kidding me? That was my first doctor’s advice for me. So I would leave the office more upset than when I went in. Because there was nothing I could do, no steps I could take, no procedures I could follow to increase my chances. I was already doing everything in my control.

I guess that’s when it began. How do I start un-Control Freaking myself? How do I let go? Even if I do relinquish some of the responsibilities I’ve taken on, how do I stop myself for constantly checking to make sure things get done properly or on time?

Keep in mind that my husband, while having the best of intentions, is probably the most lackadaisical person on the planet. Unless I give him a list of stuff that needs doing, it’s considered free playtime. He would never think to check the bank account or throw in a load of laundry or pick up some groceries unless I told/asked him to do so. What he doesn’t understand is that having to ask for something to be done is not changing the fact that it’s MY responsibility. How do I get him to look around to see what might need to be done? I despise being a taskmaster. I hate it more than anything and it just adds stress on top of stress.

How do I just let go?

If you could read my mind.

2006-01-29T12:25:00.000-05:00

I should go hop in the shower but I just don't feel inclined to "hop" anywhere today. I could take advantage of my free time and tidy up the house or start tackling the mountain of laundry but I don't feel like tackling anything. I could return some phone calls but you all know how I feel about the phone. I could defrost chicken for dinner tonight but that would require dragging my ass away from the fireplace.

I may just veg out in my jammies all day. Rocky the cat is curled up beside me and Frenchie is engrossed in something on his own computer right now. Might be a good day to huddle under a blanket and let my eyes and mind focus on a movie rather than my thoughts.

Right now, distractions are a good thing. I have kept myself busy all weekend socializing and now that I find myself with time on my hands I am overthinking things. Mental calculations and day counting and figuring and all sorts of other useless things like timelines and deadlines are crowding my mind.

Do you ever find yourself thinking about something and for interest's sake you trace the path of your thoughts back to see where it came from? I have and I find it not only interesting but often, very amusing. I used to love just letting my mind wander but I find that I don't allow for it much anymore because now it always wanders back to the same place.

So my mission today is to keep my mind otherwise engaged in someone else's story and that's what I'm going to do.

One last note, love and hugs go out to my friend Belle. She who knows my thoughts and pain like few others do has suffered her own disappointment this weekend and has done so with such a grace that I can rarely muster. Hugs to you girl.

Blank

2006-01-27T12:18:00.000-05:00

I got nothing.
I am tapped out.
The blank page and blinking cursor just mock me today.
So all I have for you is wishes for a wonderful weekend.

Pigtails ~ HNT

2006-01-26T11:38:00.000-05:00

This one's for Edge.
And SN.
And CJ.

Tell me.

What's that saying again?

Oh Yeah.

Fuck Me In Pigtails.

It's catchy. No?

(I have to admit, I rather enjoyed wearing pigtails again....)

Let It Be

2006-01-25T09:57:00.000-05:00

I don’t know why my friend’s pain felt so much like my own yesterday.
But it did.
I still remember the evening that I learned that she was embarking on her first doomed IVF cycle.
I was in the heart of my bad place.
I was a wreck.
I was all alone.
Then with heart thumping, I talked to her and asked her for her story.
I was quiet and subdued.
We were in the middle of a room full of people and I was nervous because I don’t often take the first step to friendship.
Before this night I felt that I had absolutely nothing in common with this woman.
She likely felt the same about me as we regarded each other with only the mild interest of neighbours.
But here we are now.
From that evening, we developed a friendship that started like a fawn first learning to walk.
Tentative and wobbly.

In the course of the last half-year or so our connection grew.
Our struggles have taken us in different directions for different reasons but the commonality is still there.
She knows the lengths I would go to in order to conceive.
She is unfazed by my secrets and embarrassment.
Because.
She has been there.
She has thought those same thoughts.
She has tried the same things.
And I understand her.
Her resentment.
Her anger.
Her defeat.
Her yearning.
So then it happened.
Our hopes began to intertwine until it was hard to discern hers from mine.
I guess that’s why I hurt.

So after three failed IVFs she has to consider giving up this course of action.
She can look into other avenues
Or
She can be happy with what she’s got.

Let me tell you…
She is the strongest woman I know in person.
And I don’t know how she’s going to survive this.
That’s how worried I am.

Have I mentioned that Life can be a cruel and unfair place?

Cry Cry Cry

2006-01-24T14:08:00.000-05:00

My heart is breaking as I write this.
Her IVF cycle was a failure.
I can barely keep from crying.
Life can be such a cruel place.

Thank you all for your comments and emails.
I'm sure all our prayers and good thoughts helped.
Unfortunately, this time, it just wasn't enough.

Now I just gotta figure out a way to help her through this.